I have been fasting and praying today about some very specific things. My husband knows all my struggles. He knows my whole heart, I have kept nothing back. I consider myself blessed that he has been so understanding, even willing to join me in my fast. I greatly appreciate his support as I have tried to sort through and recognize the voice of God in my life, to know where exactly the Lord is directing me.
I have prayed for clear guidance in my daily actions as to who I am and what the Lord would have me do. A brother spoke in church today about the importance of recording our words and how they can be the source of strength to others. I thought about that for quite some time. I thought about the blog I just ended.
During Sunday school, these verses kept playing in my mind. I looked them up and read them over several times.
"And I, Nephi, had kept the records upon my plates, which I had made, of my people thus far.... And it came to pass that the Lord God said unto me: Make other plates; and thou shalt engraven many things upon them which are good in my sight, for the profit of thy people. Wherefore, I, Nephi, to be obedient to the commandments of the Lord, went and made these plates upon which I have engraven these things. And I engraved that which is pleasing unto God. And if my people are pleased with the things of God they will be pleased with mine engravings which are upon these plates." - 2 Nephi 5:29-32
"And upon these I write the things of my soul... For my soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them, and writeth them for the learning and the profit of my children. Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard." - 2 Nephi 4:15,16
"And he gave me... a commandment that I should write upon these plates a few of the things which I considered to be most precious...
And if there were preaching which was sacred, or revelation which was great, or prophesying, that I should engraven the heads of them upon these plates, and touch upon them as much as it were possible, for Christ's sake, and for the sake of our people." (emphasis added) - Jacob 1:2,4
After church, I knelt by my bedside and prayed a most fervent prayer, asking for the Lord to help me know if I should continue to write publicly. When this prayer was over, I discovered a message had just been sent to me from a young man from Massachusetts, Anthony Diaz, who I met in the fall of 2007. Tony was a 17-yr.-old new convert to the church when he stumbled across my old blog, artofchristianity.blogspot.com. At the time, he had been searching everywhere he could for words from other members to strengthen his new-found faith. Tony followed my blog for just over two years until he was called to serve a mission in Ogden, UT. I knew he was the only member of the church in his family, so I sent him a few packages and letters to help bolster him while he was out there in the field. When he returned from his mission, he looked me up and we became Facebook friends. Anyway, this was part of the message he sent me this afternoon, right after I got off my knees from praying:
"Hey Sister Rawlins,
So you might remember that not too long ago, I was having a particularly dark day of loneliness and struggle on my mission when I came home to find a postcard...printed on it a scripture (Jacob 4:13) and the lyrics to a song by Jason Gray, “Remind Me Who I Am”. That one little postcard, such a seemingly small gesture, was enough to get me out of the funk I was in and remember what I was doing...
...I ran into another dark day just recently. So much so that the things that I was going through were enough to cause me to question my very purpose and existence on this earth. And then a thought came to me that morning: “You need to listen to Stronger by Mandisa, and Remind Me Who I Am.” Both of which I only knew about in the first place because of the letters I had received from you and your family while on my mission. So I listened, and as I watched the video for Jason Gray’s song, I especially noticed the labels people had put upon themselves or had gotten from the world. I saw how, at the end of that song, each and every one of those labels had changed to “Beloved.” And then the lyric came: “I’m the one you love. That will be enough.” Well, it was enough. I just knew I had to express how much your family and friendship has meant to me. Here I am, someone you haven’t even met in person before, and yet you all have given me so much love and support and expressed such thoughtfulness that I can’t even begin to describe how that makes me feel."
Tears streamed down my face as I read Tony's letter.... the timing couldn't have been more perfect, absolutely perfect. I wrote him back and told him how his words were an answer to my prayers. I don't think I realized how such simple words on my blog and in letters would impact him or strengthen this brother of mine. I thought again of the scriptures I read in Sunday school.
As I continued to reflect on all of these things and pray some more in my heart, I got a message from my husband saying he needed me to swing by the clerk's office. While there, a young women from my church peeked her head into the room and said, "I want you to know, Alicia, that your testimony today was exactly what I needed to hear." I graciously thanked her and thought to myself "that's three, three witnesses in a row...maybe I can continue to write publicly? Maybe, if I am very careful to share pure testimony, maybe if I am prayerful in all my words, that in "preserving this record" who knows?... It might be a means of bringing souls "to salvation" to Christ."
That is my greatest desire. I so desperately want to be a STRENGTH to my brothers and sisters and NEVER a snare. I hope and pray that this is what my blog will be. I will seek the Spirit in all I write, that is my promise!
If this is my answer, then I have to ask myself why I was told to "write no more?"...
Perhaps the Lord just wanted to see where my heart truly was. Or maybe He just wants me to be a little more careful with what I share. Either way, it definitely made my roots dig a little deeper...and that's a good thing.
The closing hymn in sacrament meeting was inspired. I don't know who chose it but it was perfect.
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Ye fearful Saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding ev'ry hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan his works in vain;
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.
Text: William Cowper, 1731-1800
Music: William B. Bradbury, 1816-1868
-Alicia :)
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