Land Investment

"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; 

but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting." 

- Galatians 6:7-8

As I was searching for a verse  to put up on the fridge for our regular weekend scripture we ponder as a family, I followed a few footnotes and was intrigued by these phrases found in Galatians.

"For he that soweth to his flesh"

or

"He that soweth to the Spirit"

What does it mean to sow to our own flesh or sow to the Spirit? It means that in our daily, moment by moment choices, whether we realize it or not... we are making regular deposits into one account or the other, into the land of "the flesh" or the land of "the Spirit"... And...In the end, we will reap what we have sown. 

Which land are we drawn to most for our investments?

"Our own flesh" = choices motivated to promote ourselves, save our own face, self-centered thoughts and behavior and no self-control, prideful, vain, boastful, jealous envious, gossipy, concerned more with image than integrity, greed, and so on.

"To the Spirit" = choices motivated to sincerely care for and help others (especially family), a land beyond our self, a land of spiritual matters, a land of strong and personal testimony, a land focused on the things that matter most where moth nor rust can corrupt, a land invested in things you can't buy in this world: loving trust-based relationships, an honorable and inspiring life, not self-promoting but God-promoting; one who is dedicated to spending all their gifts God has given them (time, talents, strengths) to bringing souls to Christ - to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.   

Today's Great Need for Personal Integrity

We just finished reading in our family scripture study about King Benjamin and King Mosiah. The greatest impression I felt from their story was how they were men of integrity, they didn't "pretend" to be great leaders (only good to some and rotten to others). They didn't place themselves on a higher plane or abase those lower in rank. They practiced humility, kindness, hard work, and honesty in all of their dealings; in their employment, at home, and at Church.

Oh, how we need these reminders in today's self-centered and self-seeking world! We need people with true and honest hearts, righteous people who are good in every circumstance, true to morals and principles, who don't hide behind position, prosperity, or power ... especially as members of the Church! Where is our heart set?

Reflecting on this caused me to search for a good talk about integrity. I found some great thoughts by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from General Conference April 1990. 

"A little lying, a little cheating, or taking a little unfair advantage are not acceptable to the Lord.... The world desperately needs men and women of integrity. Nearly every day we hear of fraud, misapplication of funds, false advertising, or other dealings designed to obtain gain by cheating or deception. The Lord abhors such practices.

The Lord commanded the Israelites to be more than honest. If they came upon a lost ox, they were to search out the owner so they could return the animal. Today, our intentions and dealings must be similarly pure and sound before the Lord. We must be fair with suppliers, customers, and employees; repay obligations and keep agreements; and never deceive by failing to disclose all the facts about an investment or business venture. If our selfish 'hearts are set so much upon the things of this world' (D&C 121:35), we can easily lose our integrity. We must remember that 'we believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men.' (A of F 1:13.)

Elder Neal A. Maxwell stated, 'Oh, how we wish for more honesty and less corruption, more goodness instead of so much cleverness, and more wisdom in lieu of unanchored brilliance.'"

-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (Personal Integrity, April 1990)

If Tomorrow Never Comes

I like a lot of different styles of music... and yes, even some Country. There's a song by Garth Brooks where some of the lyrics are as follows.

"If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel"

After losing my mom, I've had regrets that I didn't call her enough or visit her enough. We'd have my parents down for dinner once a month and I'd call maybe twice a month. At the time, I didn't feel our visits were too infrequent for them living 45 minutes away. The very last day I hugged my mom was on Valentine's day, at my sister's work. I had spoken with her over the phone on the 4th of March to plan her birthday party but the conversation was brief. She left this life so unexpectedly.

I've made more efforts now to call and visit my dad. I've made it a point to visit with him and call him about twice each week. It's unfortunate it took this tragedy to pull me out of my busy world and be more thoughtful about my parents. I don't want to live with those same kinds of regrets I've had about mom when my dad passes away.  I've also made more effort to create family time with my children, more family dinners, more outings, more alone time with Joseph. What if tomorrow never comes with them?

I might be a little hard on myself for not spending more time with my mom. Knowing her though, I'm sure she forgives me and she wouldn't have felt at all that I didn't spend enough time with her. She was very understanding about my busy life. She often put me on a pedestal I never deserved. I wish she could have seen how good she was. She didn't have an ounce of arrogance in her.  Never in her life did she seek/desire any kind of recognition, any kind of popularity or praise. That just wasn't her focus - She was genuine through and through. She sincerely, deeply cared about people.

She did so much good for others. I was humbled to hear countless stories from her neighbors at the viewing of thoughtful little things she would do for them. One of her sisters she visit and taught told me that the very same day my mom was rushed to the hospital, my mom had called her to see how she was doing. My mom was the one who wasn't feeling well and yet she was calling this sister of hers to check how she was doing. Another story I found out from my mom's next-door neighbor - My mom was a primary teacher for the 7 to 8 yr old's. She would personally invite any child who didn't make it to Church on Sunday to come to her house and have a personalized one-on-one lesson with them. I loved hearing how the people of her ward thought of her. If she had only known what an impression she left! They all described her as pure like a child and without guile.

This morning, half-way between the state of waking and dreaming, I felt like she was standing over me, smiling at me. Her presence caused my whole being to feel a spiritual rush and tingling with pure joy. My joy soon turned to grief, I took her hands in mine and cried, "Mom, I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't call you more. I knew that one day I would lose you but I didn't think it would be this soon. I didn't know it would be this hard!" She continued to smile lovingly at me as if to say, "It's alright. Everything is alright."

I've had a few of those experiences since her passing... and even though they are just dreams, I know her spirit is by my side, she forgives me, she loves me, and she walks with me as one of my angels now. I hope you know, Mom, just how very much you mean to me!
-Alicia

All in One Week

My mom passed away Monday, we had her funeral on Wednesday, it was my parent's 45th wedding anniversary on Friday, and it's my mom's birthday today.

I needed to organize the funeral quickly. My brother, Kenneth, had to fly back to Texas with his family at 4:00 am Thursday morning. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to make a flight back if we did the funeral a week later and I couldn't bear the thought of Kenneth not being able to come back for the services. Just seconds after my mom's passing, I was on the phone with the funeral director, my parent's Bishop, their Relief Society president, calling family, and posting the date and time of the services before I even knew the mortuary could accommodate. I took my dad to the funeral home Tuesday and we spent most of the morning and afternoon getting everything together for the next day. I purchased a lapel/tie tack for my dad that has my mom's finger print on it.

The thought of my dad being alone on his wedding anniversary just two days after mom's funeral was heat-breaking. They usually do a temple session each year as part of their anniversary. I was honored to take my mom's place with my dad and go to the Provo City Center Temple with him. (This temple was dedicated two days after my mom's birthday in 2016.)

After the temple, I got my dad some lunch and we returned back to my house. Dad entertained the kids, especially Kaylee and Millie. He read them stories and played board games. I was so glad to have him with us. To top the evening off, I grabbed us all some Chinese take-out (Moms favorite food) and we watched the movie, Wonder (one of those movies that makes you laugh and cry and leave feeling more determined to be a better person). My dad loved it! I knew he would and I knew it was the exact kind of movie my mom would have chosen. It really was a perfect day.

Today is mom's birthday. To honor her, I have the fire opal around my neck that she bought me from her Caribbean cruise in January of this year. (That cruise was a gift from her foster family and I'm so glad she got to take it with dad.) In Relief Society, we're discussing two talks from this last conference. I have no doubt she would have chosen these herself. It has truly been a week Divine intervention and miracles! Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you! https://www.lds.org/general-conferen…/…/10/by-divine-design… and https://www.lds.org/…/20…/10/has-the-day-of-miracles-ceased

Tonight, I'm driving with Joseph up to my parent's house so my dad is not alone on mom's birthday. A few of his neighbors have planned a surprise party and will show up with cake and ice cream a little after I arrive. I want to stop by mom's grave today and place some flowers. Maybe we can go up a little earlier in order to do that.

It's so crazy how fast life can change in the blink of an eye. I've been listening to a CD these last few days by Brent L. Top called "What's On The Other Side". My cousin, Elizabeth, gave it to me the day after the funeral.

“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves." - Joseph F. Smith

-Alicia


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We were able to stop by my mom's burial spot just before visiting my dad on her birthday. The headstone had not been placed yet. We brought some artificial flowers to lay down on top of the ones from the services last week.

(I think it's more than coincidence that in my ward's Sacrament Mtg. and in Dad's ward too, the closing hymn was "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" (the same hymn we sang around my mom's hospital bed as she passed away and the same hymn we had at the close of her funeral). To me, it was mom's way of showing me how very alive her spirit still is.... Because my Savior lives, she lives also.

Happy Birthday, Mom 3-18-2018

When God Takes You Home

My younger brother shared this with me today. Of course, it made me cry. 

During those five agonizing days with mom in the ICU, with her completely unresponsive, and connected to all those tubes and machines -- I wished for something, anything I could do to help her. I went to the store and bought her some flowers to brighten up her room (but the ICU had strict rules against  flowers so I had to leave them in the waiting area). The second day at my dad's house, I did the laundry and cleaned the kitchen. I noticed my mom had left her tea cup out. I smiled at the memory it brought to mind - she and I used to always drink mint herbal tea together.  I gently put her cup back up on the shelf. It was hard to see the little items and things she left out of place not knowing she wouldn't return. 

I've listened to this song several times today and have cried each time. The artist lost his mom and he sings about Supermarket flowers and tea, about folding his mother's clothes, and putting her chairs away.  It's still so hard for me to believe that my mom is gone (at least from this mortal earth. I know her spirit lives on.) 

Her death happened so suddenly, completely without warning. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. The past few mornings I've woken up feeling like there's a massive gaping hole in my heart. It hurts so much! But I know she's in a good place, a beautiful, glorious place.. I know she's with God. 

"So I'll sing Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mom

When I fell down you'd be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go

And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah

You're home"

-Alicia

All Part of His Plan

These last few days have been such a whirlwind!  I have had less than five or six hours of sleep since Wednesday night. 

The nurse last night said that my mom is on a small enough dosage of sedatives, that if she was going to show signs of waking up, she would have shown them by now. She's even lost her gag reflex ability, which is one of the most basic bodily functions. Even though we haven't had the MRI yet, the nurse says she has seen this many times before. She said she didn't want to dash our hopes, she just wanted to prepare us that it's very possible my mom will never wake up. All the other vitals in her body are good and stable at least right now. But she seems to be in a forever sleep. We have not been able to communicate with her, receive any kind of response (physical or verbal) since she went into cardiac arrest Thursday afternoon. I really believe our Spirits can communicate though. I always like to say that when we speak by the spirit and listen by the spirit we are using our "first language".

It's the strangest thing, none of us saw this accident coming. In fact, I was planning a big birthday party for her... it was going to be a combined birthday party with my mom and my niece (because her birthday is also in March like mom's). I was going to make a rainbow cake and little chocolate gold coins and decorate the house with other St. Patrick-themed items.  

My mom loves everything about the month of March and Saint Patrick's Day because her wedding anniversary is on the 16th and her birthday is on the 18th. I invited my sister and my brother who live  in Salt Lake to come. My mom also invited my brother to come to the party (it was the last voicemail she left on his phone). Both my sister and my older brother gave reasons of why they couldn't make it to the big party. Every time I invite them to dinner, they have some reason of why they can't come - I was sad by that, so was mom. 

Thursday, the 8th, around 4:45 pm, I had just dropped my three oldest kids off at the temple to do baptisms with one of their friends we invited.  I was in the underground parking of the city center Temple dropping them off at the doors so I could park the van. Right when I was getting ready to get out of my vehicle and into the temple to meet the kids, the phone rang from an unknown number. I answered but the call was choppy. I figured it was probably a telemarketer. The number called again, this time I could hear clearly. It was my dad, his voice was trembling and he sounded lost as he told me what happened. I was in shock, there was no warning, it hit me like a freight train out of nowhere. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I walked into the temple to tell the children, tears streaming down my face. My thoughts were racing and my heart was aching.  Standing at the recommend desk to greet me was Brother Allan Williams from my ward. I didn't know he worked there at that time. He asked what was wrong and I explained the situation. It was very comforting to have this dear brother from my ward greet me at that moment, almost as if the Lord was giving me a little nod saying, "Let your ward family be a strength to you, they are anxious to stand by your side through the unknown and frightening days ahead." 

The kids were all willing to walk back from the Temple. I rushed home to pick up Joseph and drive to the hospital. We got there about an hour after my dad's phone call. The drive up felt like an eternity!! On the way, I made phone calls to my other siblings, to my niece, aunts, uncles, and other family members. I had to leave a few messages because some people didn't answer. My brother from Texas called me back. As soon as I picked up the phone, all he could choke out was, "WHAT!"  He sobbed and sobbed repeating the same word over. It all seemed completely unbelievable. Not mom. Not now. How?!!

My mom had been sick with a cold for over a month. She had seen a doctor the day before where he did a chest x-ray and didn't notice anything. So my parents just assumed it was something she had to wait out. Thursday afternoon, she began having problems with wheezing and told my dad that she was really uncomfortable. He asked her what her pain level would be on a one-to-ten-scale. She said it was at a seven and wanted to lie down - so my dad helped her into bed and sat next to her. She asked if he would read the scriptures to her. He opened the pages and read where they had left off from the day before,  Then, my mom told him that her pain was getting worse and she was at a nine.

He immediately escorted her into the car with the intent to drive her to the emergency room. He sat her down in her seat and then walked around the car to the driver's side. As he got in, he looked over at her and watched her whole body go limp and her head fall back. He called the paramedics. They arrived within three minutes and had her on the stretcher by four minutes alternating between CPR and the defibrillator. Her heart stopped a few times on the way to Jordan Valley Hospital and again in the ER. They worked on her for almost two hours before they could get her safe enough out of risk from another cardiac arrest and move her up to the ICU.

For the first 24 hours, the nurses put my mom in an induced state of hypothermia to slow the blood in her body and prevent more brain damage. She was stripped naked and covered in an ice blanket that looked like blue bubble wrap. If that wasn't painful enough for me to see, those initial 24 hours for every twenty seconds her whole body would tense up, her jaw would bear down, and her eyes would burst wide open, staring intensely at nothing. This regular jolting was completely involuntary and I won't lie, it was horrible to watch!! The Cardiologist said the involuntary jolting was a very bad sign.  The traumatic  image of her repeatedly opening her eyes in a blank and terrified stare burned in my mind and kept me up all night long. Tubes were hooked up to every part of her body, to sedate her, to medicate her, stabilize her,  to help her breath, and cause her heart to beat. She didn't look like herself at all. 

The first night at the hospital, my sister stayed at my mom's bedside and I went with Alexa to be with my dad at his house so he  wouldn't be alone. The second night, I took a turn sleeping in the hospital. Last night, I slept at my dad's house again so I could fill his fridge with food, do some laundry for him and wash the dishes. My brother, Kenneth, was able to fly in with his whole family and arrived at 1am in the morning today. We helped him put his kids to bed and then drove him over to the hospital to see mom. I was relieved that finally she had got to have every one of her kids come to visit. 

Speaking of kids, I am so grateful for Joseph's unfailing and compassionate support through all of this. On that first night here, Joseph gave a beautiful prayer as we stood in the ICU waiting room, holding hands in a big family circle. Then he drove home to take care of our kids, allowing me to give my dad all the help I could.  For four straight days, Joseph has been holding down the fort with everything back at our house and has been absolutely incredible! 

That first night at my dad's house, the three of us  (me, Alexa, and dad)  knelt in a circle as I offered a prayer. We were all in tears afterward and I asked my dad if he could remember where in the scriptures he was reading exactly to mom before the accident. He couldn't remember anything off the top of his head. He looked around the room and  handed me his Book of Mormon with the bookmark still in place, "It was here," he said pointing to Mosiah Chapter 16. I read the verses out loud and a surge of the Spirit poured into my soul. How could it be a coincidence? 

Another meaningful scripture, that first night, came from Micah who emailed me at midnight. "Mom, when I was in the temple, I read these two verses, 'God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me. And I know that he will raise me up at the last day, to dwell with him in glory; yea, and I will praise him forever'  (Alma 36:27-28)  Anyway, that part really stood out to me." I told Micah that was the Lord's way of communicating with him concerning this particular circumstance. I was proud of him for being so in tune. 

I knew then and I know now that this is all in the Lord's hands, all part of his plan, and everything will work out as it should. We will have peace, angels, and the Grace of God to attend us through every step of the way. I pray this trial will bring us closer together with my siblings, with my family, and bring all of us closer to our Savior. I believe it will. I know that's my mom's wish too. 

February 2018

You see these two girls here on either side of Miriam?... These two girls live at our house. My foster daughter even thinks they are her sisters. On Feb. 2nd we have the tradition of watching Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. These two girls in the photo above were at our house as usual that night. We were looking for some fun cooking ideas together and found this cute little groundhog no-bake cookie recipe. They are designed in such a way that you can actually make the groundhog pop up and down out of the hole. The girls dusted some powdered sugar to give it a nice winter effect. They were too adorable to eat. We had so much fun playing with our food. :)

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My sister, Amy, works as a recreational therapist in a nursing home. On Valentines Day, me and my three youngest kids surprised her with roses, strawberry covered chocolates, and heart decorations on her desk. Kaylee played the piano and Micah played his fiddle for the residents. My sister loved it.

Amy put together a great Valentine show for her residents too. She provided them with refreshments, entertainment and even hired an Elvis impersonator! How cool is that?!! 

One of the residents loves to dance, so Amy danced with her to Unchained Melody.  I love seeing my sister with the elderly and disabled. This is where people really see what I'm talking about when I say - She is wonderful!!  Amy has always been an example of compassion and Christ-like love to me. 

(I just wish she could see her own worth and infinite value. She doesn't see that....which is why she's stuck in an abusive alcoholic relationship. Oh, my heart aches for her.)

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Joseph and I went shooting for a romantic date night. I didn't do too bad for my FIRST time EVER. It's kinda freaky to fire a gun - I mean it was for me at least.
I got a little more used to it by the end of the evening. Joseph did awesome!!!

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My nephew, Bryson, got married. He's the first out of the 30+ something grandchildren (I loose count) to get married. Our little bonus child was excited to see another temple up close. She loves the temple song and wants me to sing it to her at night.  I have a necklace that has the Provo City Center Temple on it - I bought itfrom my friend's shop. She LOVES it when I where that necklace. She must already feel the beautiful spirit of that place.

While at the reception, my incredibly smart and talented brother-in-law, Allan, unveiled his new business, SNAP-estry. We were some of his first test subjects. He hasn't launched it to the public yet. It's an instant wedding registry where you text a number to get started, snap your photo, and write congratulations, memories, or marriage tips to the bride and groom, and they play instantly on a screen to music during the reception. It's really, really cool!  I mean really cool! 

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Micah lost his pet hamster. She died in her sleep. I felt so bad for Micah because he adored his little pet and took such great care of her. He got her last year for his birthday. She may have just been older when we bought her, we really don't know when she was born. Rodents don't last very long anyway. Cute ADORABLE Micah did a funeral service for her though and handled everything amazingly well. 

Rest in Peace, Muffin 

2017 - 2018

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Speaking of adorableness.... Micah designed a story board map for our little girl so he could tell her princess stories. He drew the map with shapes using Power Point - I absolutely love the names he chose for the different places. 

Priceless!! I couldn't stop smiling. 

Then to make his story even more fun for our girl, he made finger puppets of a princess and a fairy. He laid in bed next to her for her nap time and entertained her with his creations. He is going to make the most wonderful daddy someday. What a sweetheart!!

Foster Care - When the Honeymoon Stage is Over

The honeymoon stage is over, with our foster child. I guess I should have expected it. Every parent talks about the boundary-pushing stages, the irrational demands, tantrums, pushing away, and clinging obsessively. I know it's not her fault though. These are natural emotional struggles for foster children trying to process what has happened to their lives.

They have lost so much trust in the people they should have been able to trust the most. They're insecure, wondering when it will happen again, when will the next person they love leave them. As they begin to feel comfortable, to feel loved, to feel safe, it's almost as if something deep inside them stops them from attaching too much. They've been hurt too badly to allow that to happen again... So...they test you to the limit... and I mean to the limit. They want to know you are truly going to stay no matter what.

The first experiences with my other foster daughter who was the exact same age as my current one were traumatic for my husband and I. She acted out in so much uncontrollable violence, with regular screaming fits lasting for hours on a daily basis that my husband and I were left feeling like we had been through a war zone each night we'd finally lay down to rest.. When she moved out and eventually went back home to her mom, we could eerily hear her screaming still even though she'd moved away months before. It was like it had been imprinted on our brains.

This trauma trying to help this former foster child did two things to us:
One - it positively affected us... it made us much more grateful and appreciative for our current foster daughter, even her bad behavior isn't as bad because she at least calms down after five or ten minutes.
And two - it negatively affected us...when our current foster daughter even hints toward such behavior as our other girl, we can feel the anxiety trigger in us. We start to fear it could grow into what we had before. We know she's not the same and it's not fair to even compare the two. It still triggers that anxiety though.

We plan to adopt this little one we have now. Her grandparents want to adopt her too. We don't know if they will be able to convince the judge that they are a good fit though. They don't have much time left before we can apply for adoption. They've had some issues in the last few months I had to report to the attorneys - which sadly resulted in a restriction of visits from them.

Our little girl puts her grandparents on a pedestal though. They have raised her since birth...in her mind, they are perfect and could never do any wrong. She grieves their absence through outbursts of screaming or crying in unprovoked circumstances. It's hard in those moments to step back and truly understand what is going through her young 3-yr-old mind. How is she trying to piece it all together, how is she interpreting the loss?

We'll see her play out her frightening memories with her toys; the doll is her, she plays the grandma, and the stuffed bear plays the police man. The stuffed bear [police man] picks up the doll [her] and starts to walk away... while she cries out to the bear, "My baby, my baby, don't take my baby." It's extremely heart-wrenching. Every time I ask her about this role play that she does on occasion, she'll say, "Last night, the police took me and brought me to your house." She relives the day she was removed from her home like it was yesterday. It's a terrible scar!

 Does she blame herself? Does she blame us? Does she blame her grandparents? I'm sure there's a little of all of this.

Foster care is interesting. It's not what I painted in my mind. It's definitely more challenging that I ever realized, even the good times. But I trust in the experiences of others who have traveled this road before us.... to keep going. It will be beautiful and wonderful in the end.


I really appreciated this article I read the other day. https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/cathy-glass/honeymoon-period

It's all about LOVE

Happy Valentine's Day! It's hard to believe we're already this far into the year. Time is flying by!

I want my children and family to know that I absolutely love my life (the good, the bad, and the ugly - the challenges and the blessings). I'm grateful for so many learning experiences - I love it all!

I haven't spent much time writing lately. With my schedule, I feel like I need to make "oxygen choices" (if you know what I mean) selecting those things that matter the very most.  When I look back on my life, I want to know that I spent it doing good not just talking about it.

I feel like I'm busier than I've ever been with my school, my calling, neighbors who need outreach, foster care, DCFS appointments, family members in need... you name it!  There's so much work to be done and too many distractions in today's world.

I don't want to miss simple opportunities for meaningful time with my husband and with our kids before they all fly away.  I don't want to miss simple opportunities to help a friend or neighbor in need because I'm too busy.  Life is fulfilling and rich  when actively living and loving the way that our Savior did -- not just talking or posting about it.

I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for blessing me with the knowledge of the restored Gospel. Without such truth, I couldn't make it through anything in my life. There's so much good to be shared! So much love that needs to be given! So much to be done!

LET'S DO IT! :)
-Alicia

I adore this video. Such a perfect example of what this life is all about! 

So important to remember on this day of LOVE!

Seventy Times Seven

The Lord said: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” (D&C 64:9).

My scripture and gospel study these past few days has centered on "forgiving others." How often do we hear that in order to receive forgiveness from God, we need to repent? (here’s just a few examples -Mosiah 27:24,  Alma 5:31, Moses 6:57)

Soooo…..shouldn’t others who have offended us do the same before we forgive them? Shouldn’t others who have hurt us apologize before we begin extending mercy and kindness to them?

I don’t believe so.

In fact, God has said, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10).

Of us, it is required to forgive ALL men… This implies that we forgive regardless if others admit their wrong to us or not, regardless if they are sorry.  WHY?

Because when we hold on to grudges, hate, or bitterness (no matter how big or small - and no matter how justified we might feel)- it robs us from having peace in our hearts, it robs us from feeling the Spirit, from feeling Christ-like love for others, it destroys us. Healing comes from letting go of these things, from turning over to God, from allowing the atonement to be in our lives and in others.

- Alicia

Forgive Seventy Times Seven

Throwback Thursday

I've been revisiting this talk over and over this past week. I feel like our culture needs a good refresher on these principles. So many of our young people are falling away from the truth, even many of the older generations are too. It's heartbreaking.

The Cost-and Blessings of Discipleship

by, Elder Holland

Eyes to See

In the last week, my neighbor, Mariah, and my good friend, Adrienne, both have asked me how it is possible to maintain a clear view of myself and of God in today's world, especially when I make mistakes or life goes wrong.  (I think it's funny I'd be ask this question twice in one week, at two completely different occasions from two totally unrelated people.)

Both times, I inquired if I gave off the impression that I somehow always have a strong heavenly optimistic perspective of myself, of life, and of God. They seemed to believe I did.

I sort-of laughed because life for me is not a steady flow of spiritual enlightenment. I loose focus all the time. I battle all too often with my insecurities, with my unattractive flaws, with my lack of education and refinement. I struggle to forgive those who have hurt me. I have wished sometimes for a different upbringing, a different life. And as far as spirituality goes; I have more moments than I'd like to admit where my scripture study is completely flat and I feel totally uninspired. I have my ups and downs. Life for me is not this constant high. I have to get "back on track" all the time.

In today's world, I make it a point to stay clear of social media unless I have a specific purpose to check in on a friend, family member, or post on our Relief Society group. Other than that, I try to keep off.

Also, prayer is my first language. No matter how ridiculously broken I might feel, I say a prayer wherever I am. I know God cares, that He'll help me. He always has. He always does. He always will.

It also helps for me to forget myself. To find someone who is in greater need and do something for them.

I guess my answer to both of my friends is faith. It takes faith to trust that we are all children of worth, children of God who cares enough about us to hear our prayers and the silent pleadings of our hearts - especially in a world that is constantly telling us otherwise.

We must recognize and admit that in this journey called life, we are blind. Our vision is impaired in various ways. But God see's all. He will guide us with the words of Truth, the words of Christ - And we have Prophet's on the earth who are Seers for us - (See - ers) because they have been called by Him to guide us.

"For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." - 1 Corinthians 13:9-12

When we have faith, it doesn't mean that we always see clearly - it means that we trust God does. It doesn't mean our perspective can't get thrown off - it means when it does (and it inevitably will) we will know where to turn to get it back again. In every gospel principle and truth - It takes faith to keep moving, when you don't feel like moving. It takes faith to reach out and serve others (especially in our family) when we don't feel like reaching out or serving.  It takes faith to forgive when we don't want to forgive. It takes faith to keep praying, when you don't feel like praying. It takes faith to keep believing, when you feel like the heaven's are closed.

-Alicia

Last Sunday

The Relief Society lesson was just about to start. It was my turn to conduct the meeting and I was turning the time over to our instructor. No sooner than I sat down, I heard the sound of someone hocking a loogie out in the hall. That's not a usual sound in church so I looked up.  A man in casual dress and a heavy coat was coming to our Relief Society room. He stopped and stood in the doorway just staring at the women. I couldn't see his full appearance from where I was sitting but I had a terrible feeling.

I stood up, walked to the back of the room, approaching the man, "Can I help you?" That's when I got a closer look at him. He was about five inches taller than me. His head was shaved, he had three letters tattooed over his right eyebrow, a piercing on his left brow, and a couple of names tattooed with gangster cursive on his neck. His coat was thick, covering the rest of his arms and body. He was terribly restless and upset. I tried to see what he was there for but he just kept saying things that didn't make any sense. Clearly, he was angry.

"You guys did this to me!!! Your people keep putting me in the hospital and I don't want to deal with it anymore!!! Stop putting me in the hospital! You guys did this to my mother too! It's not fair, man! I don't want to be trouble, man. I'm innocent. I'm innocent. You guys won't believe me!" He said some other things too but honestly, nothing was cohesive. He hocked another loogie onto the floor. I think he was high on something. Unsure of what his intentions were, I encouraged him to walk with me down the hall and away from the end of the building where the women and primary children meet. My intention was to walk him toward the chapel where I was sure the brethren met so I could "call for back-up".

I asked him what he meant by "you guys".
He couldn't give a clear answer. I didn't want to aggravate him.

As we walked, I noticed he had some items he was fidgeting with inside his coat. Outwardly, I was completely calm. Inwardly, I was thinking, "Crap! This guy might have a gun!!" I tried to focus on what was in his hands. It was only a lighter and a canister of some sort - Still, they could be dangerous. Wondering what he was planning on doing with the items, I kept alert.  I looked into the chapel and didn't see any brethren there. No one seemed to be in the Stake offices either. I said a silent prayer that Heavenly Father would send some brethren out to help me.

I felt impressed to touch him on the shoulder and tell him he would be okay. "You are loved." I said over several times. His expression changed and he started weeping. I continued, "It's okay, I know you are hurting right now. You are scared but it's going to be okay." I put my arm half-way around him giving a side hug. I suppose that gesture was a little risky on my part and totally unexpected by him. But I also knew he would be lest likely to try something violent if I could keep him from going back to his rant.He started crying and asked as he sobbed, "What is your name?"
"Alicia." I said.
"Thank you, Alicia." He cried some more.  "I love you Alicia." He laid his head on my shoulder.

At that moment, my silent prayer from earlier was answered, the Bishop and his two counselors came into the foyer where the man and I were standing. I felt absolutely relieved, grateful "back-up" had arrived. Their presence brought me a great deal of comfort.

The stranger spit another loogie on the church floor. Brother Anderson ordered him to clean it up which made the man agitated.  I stepped out of the way. The brethren asked where he was from or if he had a place to stay. He answered in more fragmented unrelated sentences. The only part I understood was when he started talking about some gang he's involved in.

I noticed another sister in the foyer while all of this had been unfolding. I had been oblivious to her because I was so focused on this man. And she was oblivious to the possible danger of our visitor. She had seen me with him but she just thought, "Oh there's Sister Rawlins hugging and talking with someone again." She only discovered the trouble after the brethren had arrived and I sat down next to her and explained what was going on. I told her that we had better leave and go back to the Relief Society room, just to be safe.

I was so happy that this woman was there though! She has been struggling with her belief in God and this was an opportunity for me to share how my prayer was answered within only a few seconds in the scene that had just unfolded. Because of the danger of the situation, she also willingly came with me back to Relief Society (a place she has avoided for months.) We arrived with only five minutes left of class.

She called me after our family arrived home from church. She thanked me for being brave with the man. She wanted to visit again and asked if she and her husband could bring some food over to our house. "Of course!" I thanked her. We were soon enjoying a pleasant evening of conversation, laughter, and friendship. I reflected later that night how wonderful the Lord is. I had been pleading and praying for opportunities to open up with this very sister. I didn't expect that opportunity to come the way it did. But I'm glad.

Yeah, It Feels Like This

It's been a while since I've posted a favorite song - This is my current one. 

It works well with my thoughts lately as I've been contemplating the dichotomies of life;  

the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the joy and the pain. 

Threaded through it all are lessons and love, the fabric that holds us together.

-Alicia

Texas Trip

It was sort-of a spontaneous trip we threw haphazardly together as soon as we discovered we had earned enough points on our credit card for our travel rebate to cover the all hotel expenses and a van rental. The day after Christmas we packed up the family to drive about 1,200 miles to visit my brother in Texas - the second longest trip we've ever driven as a family.

 We drove with all five of our kids for a little over nine hours, spent the night in Albuquerque and then drove the additional nine something hours to Fort Worth. I think all our children do amazing when we travel especially given the fact they don't have movies or anything to watch, just stuff to listen to, books to read, and travel board games to play. They sleep most of the time and any fighting or complaining is rare on our trips. Joseph and I count ourselves very blessed!

Our foster daughter went through a little of a struggle though because she's never traveled before and we are still a fairly new family to her.  For all she knew, this trip could have meant we were moving far away and not coming back. It's also possible she thought that she'd never be able to see her grandma again. She had a few inconsolable moments but overall she did incredibly well traveling given her unique circumstances.

Even though our time in Texas was short, I was so glad to be with my brother, Kenneth's, family. He and his wife, Kaylee, have two little kids - Lily and Thayer. This was my first time ever meeting Thayer. He's one-and-a-half now - It was almost surreal looking at this boy, a spitting image of his dad at that age! Lily is the older child. She's six with an adorable little Texas accent. The kids loved it when she'd ask, "Ya'll comin' back to my house?"  I also loved that Lily has absolutely NO interest in dolls or princesses. Instead, she loves monster truck rally's, toy cars, and super heroes. My kind of girl!

We all had a really great time even if 2/3rds of the week-long trip was spent driving. It was wonderful to spend time with family! Our kids are growing fast and we won't be able to have opportunities like these much longer. I want to soak up as much as we can.

Christmas Eve the kids act out the nativity story with the
 pieces we bought in Bethlehem back in 2007.

Christmas Morning - the kids getting cozy by the fire.

Christmas morning our bonus child helped make our traditional breakfast.

The first hotel we stayed at was somewhat of a dive...
but the kids were just happy to have a break from driving nine-and-a-half hours.

We finally made it to Fort Worth after another nine-and-a-half hour drive.
Time to VEG!

Eating lunch at The Rodeo Goat. The picture painted on the wall made me laugh because
my brother, Kenneth, has a fetish with fainting goats.

Spending the afternoon at the Children's Museum with my sister-in-law, Kaylee
and my niece and nephew, Lily and Thayer.

This face! Identical to my brother at this age - I couldn't believe it! Thayer is such a cutie!

Joseph on a bed of nails. Oooh Aaaah!

Water Gardens in downtown Fort Worth. It was freeeeezing outside.
My sister-in-law stayed home for this venue because it was too cold for her.

"The Mountain" @ Water Gardens - Fort Worth 

Downtown Fortworth 

Back Row: Chandler, Kenneth, Kaylee, Thayer
Middle Row: Joseph, Me, Miriam, Micah
Front Row: Millie, Lily, Kaylee

Albuquerque hotel we stayed at on our way back home. We're all heading down to the pool.

More driving! But OH what a glorious sunset!!

Called and Chosen for Our Day

Last Friday, we watched the funeral services for our beloved Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. The part that stood out to me the most was where his daughter, Ann, shared the time she was with him in his office and he noticed a photo of himself in an open copy of an Ensign magazine: President Monson pointed to the face on the page and said, "I know that guy. He tried his best."

"He tried his best." That story really struck me because I can only imagine how often he felt completely and totally inadequate for his calling in the Church. How difficult it must have been! I don't know who in their right mind would ever wish for a high-profile calling, especially one that bears the kind of weight and responsibility of a Prophet, Seer, and Revelator!! (No thanks. I'd be 100% happy serving as a nursery worker for the rest of my life.) But, I love how President Monson said that he tried his best. He certainly did! It should give all of us hope wherever we serve. Just do your best - Trust that the Lord can work with that. I'm so proud of President Monson's example and legacy he left! His life was full of service to others; caring for the poor and elderly, the weak and the sick.

This morning, we get to hear from our new Prophet, President Russel M. Nelson. I look forward to his words! I already know with all my heart that he is the one for the work right now. He carries himself with great strength and boldness. I'm excited to see the way he fulfills this calling. I love him and I pray for him as I did for Monson. What a heavy burden to carry! However demanding and daunting the road ahead, these valiant men of God accept this work with such courage and conviction! They step out with faith and not fear. They sacrifice their all. I am so humbled by the lives of the Prophets of God - They are truly called by Him. This is the work of the Savior. I know this!

This Past Week

This past week was kind of a crazy and unexpected one. 

Another foster mom had contacted me through Facebook asking if I could provide respite care for her. She needed me to watch her 8-yr-old foster son just for a couple of days so she could have a little break. I told her I'd be more than happy to help her out.

The morning arrived for her to drop him off. She came in our house alone to talk with us first before she brought her foster son inside to meet us. Her voice was shaky and she seemed terribly distressed. "Sorry, I'm earlier than I said I'd be here," she said wringing her hands nervously. "We had an incident this morning that was really hard for all of us." 

We assured her that she was just fine. She paused and then proceeded to explain her distress.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she tried to choke back the tears. This was her first placement and she had only had him for three months. At my invitation, she took a deep breath and then seemed to pour out every frustration and fear that had built up inside her over the last few months.

"I can't do this anymore!" She cried. "I just can't do this."

I hugged her and told her not to beat herself up over it, "It's okay. Foster care is very difficult. Please don't think you've failed. It's okay if you can't do it anymore." She seemed grateful for my empathy and relieved that I didn't judge her. I knew the burden she carried. 

The phone rang about an hour or two after she left. The foster boy's social worker was on the line, "Hi Alicia, we understand that you have so-and-so's foster son staying with you. She (his foster mom) just called us to let us know she is quitting foster care." 

"Wow, that was quick! I guess I'm not surprised though. She was pretty worn down when she dropped him off with us. I could tell she wouldn't last long. I felt pretty bad for her." 

The social worker sighed, "This whole situation is very sad. We didn't realize it was this rough for her. I know you were only planning on doing respite care with this boy but now we need you to keep him longer until we can find a permanent family closer to his location." I told them we'd be happy to care for him as they worked things out.

Both of his parents  passed away  a year ago from drug overdoses. He's a sweet little kid with a TON of energy! He became attached to me and seemed to want my attention every second. (Which was a bit of an adjustment especially for my little foster daughter. She is usually the one who soaks up all my time.) All of our 4 bio kids of course handle these huge changes in amazing ways and I am constantly grateful for their strength of character. What a blessing! 

I got a phone call from the social worker a couple days ago that they already found a wonderful couple for him who hope to adopt. They are just a little older than me and Joseph. They have never been able to have children but they have two dogs and love the outdoors. He is very active and will love having the outdoor activities and the dogs!  I met his new family over the phone a couple days ago and took him to his new home last night. I feel really good about them!  

The great news is that they only live about thirteen blocks away from us so, just a short little drive and he could come and visit anytime.  I ordered him a birthday present from Amazon yesterday and plan to take it to him on his birthday next week. He's very glad he can keep in touch.  

Showing off the pipe-cleaner jewelry my foster son made me.