Moving On

I can't believe it's the end of May! Joseph and I were just talking this morning about how it seems time is passing freakishly fast. We're entering Chandler's senior year of high school, Miriam will be a sophomore, Micah is now thirteen, Kaylee will be ten in a few weeks, and Millie will officially be our little girl in five days.

Speaking of the adoption, I still can't believe that things went through with our case this fast! June 4th is the first court day our adoption attorney set for us. He guarantees that we will win the case and we'll have our adoption certificate in our hands by that evening. We will be sealed to Amillia the following evening in the Provo City Center Temple. The brother who is sealing her to us is our Stake Patriarch (Patriarch Snow) and also the husband to my counselor in the Relief Society (Margene). They adopted their two youngest daughters.

We are very happy to adopt this sweet little girl. She definitely fits very well into our family! There are moments I get a little fearful: those moments she displays certain difficult behaviors that are very common among children from hard places, from trauma, common among children who have been removed from their families. It's hard to explain to anyone who is not in the trenches. I mean, let's face it, the way the rest of the world views adoption is totally romanticized. It is hard!!

Currently, I am involved with three hours of training and therapy per week revolving around Millie. Which on some weeks, it equals out to five. I take Kaylee with me whenever I can so she doesn't feel left out. She's a little more sensitive to me being gone.  I am learning that I need to rewire my own brain and seriously confront the abuse and trauma from my own childhood. It's hard but it's very very good.

We're moving on... continuing into the unknown. I feel very blessed despite the difficulties though. I have an amazing family! I couldn't be more proud!

"How to Grow Love" & "Now and Most"

We recently had Stake Conference. The Saturday talks centered on the new ministering program ministering.lds.org

My favorite talk was by Elder Cornish of the Seventy, who spoke about the cycle of love and serving others, the way it grows more love in our hearts. He shared the scripture 1 John 4:19, "We love God because He first loved us." He asked how anyone could ever love another when that other has done nothing for the one who loves them.

Elder Cornish has delivered hundreds of babies throughout his career and he gave the example of a mother's love to answer his own question. "What did that baby ever do for the mother those nine months in the womb or those first couple years of life? She loves because of the time and sacrifice she has given in total selfless service to her baby."

Elder Cornish then testified that if we  have faith in God's infinite and perfect love for us and allow it to work within our hearts so we can really feel who we are to Him, let it change us, fill us with hope. And then, try and share that love with others through charitable acts and service, showing them what God's love feels like - our love will grow in two ways; Our love for those we serve and the ability to feel God's love for ourselves.

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The Sunday talks were mostly centered around the 4th commandment -honoring the Sabbath Day and keeping it holy. I have a strong testimony of the blessings that come from treating the Sabbath with reverence and using it to honor the sacrifice of our Savior and be about His ministry.

Again, the talk that really stood out to me was Elder Cornish's. He spoke about "now" and "most". He said that too often we sacrifice things we want most for what we want now, which always leads to bondage and misery.

He said happiness and blessings from God come the other way around as we learn to sacrifice what we want now for what we want most. It seems pretty simple when it's written out like this but it's not always easy to put into practice. What we want now usually has more to do with our physical appetites but what we want most usually has more to do with the eternal and spiritual matters. It takes practicing meekness, humility, and living the first commandment -having no other God's before our Father in Heaven.

Elder Cornish pointed out that one of the most common false God's worshiped in today's world is the god of "self" selfishness or self-centeredness. He said that the biggest obstacle in our way of honoring the 4th commandment (keeping the Sabbath day) is often our breaking of the 1st (worshiping other gods).

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It was a wonderful Stake Conference!! Of course, there was so much more shared than I have here but these were the parts that really stuck with me... and I just wanted to write them down somewhere so I wouldn't forget. :)

Another One Bites the Dust

Perhaps the hardest death to watch is the death of one's faith, to see the light in their eyes and the love of the Gospel go out.

My husband met him in 2008, they were both studying physics and astronomy. They started studying together to help each other out with homework and exams, instantly becoming great friends. It was a big deal because Joseph doesn't usually have close friendships with anyone, well he hadn't up until Ryan.  Joseph is a family guy, he keeps his relationships strong with his siblings and doesn't usually venture out from there because he's a little shy and a little introverted.

But somehow Ryan was like a brother to Joseph. Many late-night studying sessions on campus would often end in wonderful and enlightening spiritual discussions. I remember Joseph often coming home around 11pm, crawling into bed, and telling me all about school and his friend.

I was so glad Joseph had someone there on campus to make the hours fly by a little more easily. I'd take the children up to the science building a couple times a week so they could visit dad. It was often the only time they got to see him besides Sunday. They'd giggle with excitement all the way down the hall as they approached the office Joseph did his studies in. Ryan was always there with Joseph and the kids began to call him, "Uncle Ryan".

They did a science presentation in Puerto Rico together. He came to Joseph's graduation and Joseph went to his. Our whole family went to Ryan's wedding ceremony at the Timpanogos Temple and Joseph stood in the circle for their first child's baby blessing. Ryan came to almost all our kid's baptisms too.

He moved away a couple years ago and changed his major to psychology. Ryan and Joseph were like brothers so they maintained close contact across the miles through email several times a week. I don't know exactly when the shift happened but Joseph started noticing a change of tone in Ryan's messages. When Joseph would share a quote from a recent conference address or from the scriptures, instead of being affirmed through Ryan's testimony, the responses were less supportive, debating the validity of Joseph's spiritual thoughts because they weren't from more "enlightened philosophers".

His criticism of the prophets increased and his church attendance decreased. Their emails to each other slowed to about once a month. After about a year of this decline, Ryan finally told Joseph all together, that he and his wife had left the Church, to explore a new freedom, new thoughts, and new ideas among the swells of moral relativism. At the end of this last message to Joseph a couple weeks ago, he said,  "thanks for not trying to save me" as if Ryan wanted to make absolutely certain that Joseph understood he doesn't want him to ever try to save him.

It's been hard to watch Joseph go through this. Even though Joseph is not an emotional guy and does a pretty good job keeping his true feelings beneath the surface, I can tell he has been experiencing a very real loss. This has been horribly painful for him. To lose a friend spiritually feels more grievous than lossing one to physically to natural causes.

I've been very proud of Joseph though and have been impressed with his stamina. He has held strong to a pattern of regular, daily morning prayer and thorough scripture study. He spends at least a half-an-hour or more every single day studying the gospel through living and ancient prophets, he journals extensively too, and could publish volumes upon volumes alone of his scripture study thoughts. He's a great example to me. I know this habit has kept Joseph from being swept away by his friend and has kept Joseph anchored to "the good ship Zion". I thank God that Joseph has remained true to his covenants in the middle of this storm.

I am also proud of Joseph for continuing to be kind to Ryan. He has left the invitation open to still be there for his friend. Who knows if he'll ever return?

-Alicia

P.S.
Here's some great articles about the dangers of Moral Relativism.
https://www.lds.org/search?lang=eng&query=%22moral+relativism%22

"We live in a day when the age-old standards of morality, marriage, home, and family suffer defeat after defeat in courts and councils, in parliaments and classrooms. Our happiness depends upon living those very standards.......  Paul told young Timothy to continue in the things he had learned from the Apostles and said he would be safe because 'from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus'  (2 Tim. 3:15)"

-  Boyd K. Packer

First Mother's Day Without Mom

Mom, I'm missing you especially hard today because I can't call you. I can't visit you. Oh, I wish so much I could be with you to thank you for everything in my life, to hug you and tell you what a blessing you are. You always took me and Amy out for dinner for Mother's Day weekend and always wrote us a sweet and loving card, telling us how happy you were to be our mom. (I always felt that you shouldn't have done such things for us on Mother's Day. It was our time to CELEBRATE YOU!!)  But you told us that your greatest joy was to see your daughters become mothers. I never ever once doubted your incredible love for us even as a kid when I knew I had done something to make you mad. You forgave me so quickly. Mom, I miss you and love you so much!! Thank you for your unwavering faith in God, the simple truth you taught by your example, "With God - nothing is impossible!" You had so many trials in life, so many hardships outside of your control, but you faced them head-on, with courage and bravery. You may not have felt brave in the moments when you cried, when you felt grief, fear, or depression, but mom, you were incredibly brave because you kept trying, you kept going, kept working hard, kept praying, kept believing, and never quit. Some people look for praise or recognition when they fight so valiantly but not you. You never once cared about popularity, you cared about people. You never once cared about material things, you cared about memories. You never cared about the latest fashion, you cared about being grateful for what you had and sought to help those less fortunate than you. Mom, you were an unsung hero, genuinely good, with the purest intentions to put forth your very best because you sincerely cared and deeply loved every person in your life. Thank you, thank you forever!! <3

Slideshow For Mom

Grafted Into Our Family Tree

We filled out paper work last month to petition for adoption with our little foster girl and didn't hear anything from our attorney for a few weeks.  Finally, he called us last week asking if we would be available to be in court on the first Monday of June.

Joseph and I checked our schedules and told him it would be fine. We asked our attorney several questions since we have never met or been to court with him before and didn't know what to expect. 

We just assumed this date he was setting for us would be a "first of many" court dates.... that's why we were so surprised when he told us that it is the official adoption day they've set for us and encouraged us to invite all our family and friends. Wow! We didn't know it would happen this quick after our petition. From other cases we hear about in foster care, we assumed our case would also require several court dates.

We didn't expect to have our first court date with our attorney be our only court date but we're very pleased that our case will be so easy. The Temple is closed the day of her adoption so, our sealing date is set for the day after.

We are looking forward to participating in a family sealing and the experience it will provide for our bio children. They love her so much! We are very excited! This little girl fits so well in our family! 💓
-Alicia

April 2018

Easter Weekend 2018

Amy, Dad, me, Millie at The Wentworth, to participate in the Easter Egg Hunt Amy planned with her residents.

Amy and her two beautiful kids.

Four of my five beautiful kids at Amy's work for her Easter party.

Dying Easter eggs with Elise and Lucy

Traditional Easter Baskets made from milk jugs - started by my mom when I was growing up.

Easter Sunday 2018

Easter morning looking for the baskets.

The kids played an egg smashing game that was supposed to be these rubber eggs filled randomly with water. Since it was April 1st. I took real egg and poured it into a couple of the toy eggs. Miriam and Micah laughed about that trick but I still don't think Kaylee has forgiven me. I thought it was absolutely hilarious!

Jeannie, Dad, and Alexa on Easter Sunday with our traditional golden eggs hung from a tree (left background)
 Within the eggs, tell the story of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
I think mom is the first one who showed me the story like this.
(My dad's sister, Jeannie, now lives with him since my mom passed away.
I'm so glad my dad has her there so he isn't quite so lonely.) 

Kaylee took notes during General Conference.
 Her favorite talk, by Elder Lynn Robbins, was all about how everyone makes mistakes
 and to keep going and not get discouraged.

Spending Time Together

Joseph and I are trying to go hiking once a week for our date night.
 It doesn't cost a dime and we have a great time together!

Really cool looking tree from our hike.

Micah and His Creations

Joseph and I were at an Adoption's training class all day and when we got home,
we discovered Micah entertaining our two younger girls with his Brain-O-Tron.
(Nice side profile.)

Brain-O-Tron Mugshot

Micah made this little leprechaun trap out of craft scraps for St. Patrick's Day.
Later, he made it even more cool by painting it green with sprinkles of gold glitter. 

Medieval gloves, sword, and helmet entirely out of cardboard and silver duct tape.
The gloves and shoulder pads he also covered with silver tape after Joseph took this picture.

Nice Days Outside

Happy I LOVE YOU day

I just wanted to randomly surprise Joseph with a cute little date night.
I got Micah and Kaylee on board to help me. They were our adorable little servers 
for "The Attic" restaurant above our garage. 
(As you can see, it's pretty high class. ;) )
Micah made the menu and Kaylee drew a big heart on the white board for us. 
We had soft romantic music playing and we danced after the dinner was over.

Miriam Turns 15!!

Alexa photo bombing :)

Awesome, beautiful, and fun Miriam! We love you!!!

Kaylee having fun with her two grandpas on Miriam's birthday.

Family Night 

Land Investment

"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; 

but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting." 

- Galatians 6:7-8

As I was searching for a verse  to put up on the fridge for our regular weekend scripture we ponder as a family, I followed a few footnotes and was intrigued by these phrases found in Galatians.

"For he that soweth to his flesh"

or

"He that soweth to the Spirit"

What does it mean to sow to our own flesh or sow to the Spirit? It means that in our daily, moment by moment choices, whether we realize it or not... we are making regular deposits into one account or the other, into the land of "the flesh" or the land of "the Spirit"... And...In the end, we will reap what we have sown. 

Which land are we drawn to most for our investments?

"Our own flesh" = choices motivated to promote ourselves, save our own face, self-centered thoughts and behavior and no self-control, prideful, vain, boastful, jealous envious, gossipy, concerned more with image than integrity, greed, and so on.

"To the Spirit" = choices motivated to sincerely care for and help others (especially family), a land beyond our self, a land of spiritual matters, a land of strong and personal testimony, a land focused on the things that matter most where moth nor rust can corrupt, a land invested in things you can't buy in this world: loving trust-based relationships, an honorable and inspiring life, not self-promoting but God-promoting; one who is dedicated to spending all their gifts God has given them (time, talents, strengths) to bringing souls to Christ - to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.   

Today's Great Need for Personal Integrity

We just finished reading in our family scripture study about King Benjamin and King Mosiah. The greatest impression I felt from their story was how they were men of integrity, they didn't "pretend" to be great leaders (only good to some and rotten to others). They didn't place themselves on a higher plane or abase those lower in rank. They practiced humility, kindness, hard work, and honesty in all of their dealings; in their employment, at home, and at Church.

Oh, how we need these reminders in today's self-centered and self-seeking world! We need people with true and honest hearts, righteous people who are good in every circumstance, true to morals and principles, who don't hide behind position, prosperity, or power ... especially as members of the Church! Where is our heart set?

Reflecting on this caused me to search for a good talk about integrity. I found some great thoughts by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from General Conference April 1990. 

"A little lying, a little cheating, or taking a little unfair advantage are not acceptable to the Lord.... The world desperately needs men and women of integrity. Nearly every day we hear of fraud, misapplication of funds, false advertising, or other dealings designed to obtain gain by cheating or deception. The Lord abhors such practices.

The Lord commanded the Israelites to be more than honest. If they came upon a lost ox, they were to search out the owner so they could return the animal. Today, our intentions and dealings must be similarly pure and sound before the Lord. We must be fair with suppliers, customers, and employees; repay obligations and keep agreements; and never deceive by failing to disclose all the facts about an investment or business venture. If our selfish 'hearts are set so much upon the things of this world' (D&C 121:35), we can easily lose our integrity. We must remember that 'we believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men.' (A of F 1:13.)

Elder Neal A. Maxwell stated, 'Oh, how we wish for more honesty and less corruption, more goodness instead of so much cleverness, and more wisdom in lieu of unanchored brilliance.'"

-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (Personal Integrity, April 1990)

If Tomorrow Never Comes

I like a lot of different styles of music... and yes, even some Country. There's a song by Garth Brooks where some of the lyrics are as follows.

"If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel"

After losing my mom, I've had regrets that I didn't call her enough or visit her enough. We'd have my parents down for dinner once a month and I'd call maybe twice a month. At the time, I didn't feel our visits were too infrequent for them living 45 minutes away. The very last day I hugged my mom was on Valentine's day, at my sister's work. I had spoken with her over the phone on the 4th of March to plan her birthday party but the conversation was brief. She left this life so unexpectedly.

I've made more efforts now to call and visit my dad. I've made it a point to visit with him and call him about twice each week. It's unfortunate it took this tragedy to pull me out of my busy world and be more thoughtful about my parents. I don't want to live with those same kinds of regrets I've had about mom when my dad passes away.  I've also made more effort to create family time with my children, more family dinners, more outings, more alone time with Joseph. What if tomorrow never comes with them?

I might be a little hard on myself for not spending more time with my mom. Knowing her though, I'm sure she forgives me and she wouldn't have felt at all that I didn't spend enough time with her. She was very understanding about my busy life. She often put me on a pedestal I never deserved. I wish she could have seen how good she was. She didn't have an ounce of arrogance in her.  Never in her life did she seek/desire any kind of recognition, any kind of popularity or praise. That just wasn't her focus - She was genuine through and through. She sincerely, deeply cared about people.

She did so much good for others. I was humbled to hear countless stories from her neighbors at the viewing of thoughtful little things she would do for them. One of her sisters she visit and taught told me that the very same day my mom was rushed to the hospital, my mom had called her to see how she was doing. My mom was the one who wasn't feeling well and yet she was calling this sister of hers to check how she was doing. Another story I found out from my mom's next-door neighbor - My mom was a primary teacher for the 7 to 8 yr old's. She would personally invite any child who didn't make it to Church on Sunday to come to her house and have a personalized one-on-one lesson with them. I loved hearing how the people of her ward thought of her. If she had only known what an impression she left! They all described her as pure like a child and without guile.

This morning, half-way between the state of waking and dreaming, I felt like she was standing over me, smiling at me. Her presence caused my whole being to feel a spiritual rush and tingling with pure joy. My joy soon turned to grief, I took her hands in mine and cried, "Mom, I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't call you more. I knew that one day I would lose you but I didn't think it would be this soon. I didn't know it would be this hard!" She continued to smile lovingly at me as if to say, "It's alright. Everything is alright."

I've had a few of those experiences since her passing... and even though they are just dreams, I know her spirit is by my side, she forgives me, she loves me, and she walks with me as one of my angels now. I hope you know, Mom, just how very much you mean to me!
-Alicia

All in One Week

My mom passed away Monday, we had her funeral on Wednesday, it was my parent's 45th wedding anniversary on Friday, and it's my mom's birthday today.

I needed to organize the funeral quickly. My brother, Kenneth, had to fly back to Texas with his family at 4:00 am Thursday morning. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to make a flight back if we did the funeral a week later and I couldn't bear the thought of Kenneth not being able to come back for the services. Just seconds after my mom's passing, I was on the phone with the funeral director, my parent's Bishop, their Relief Society president, calling family, and posting the date and time of the services before I even knew the mortuary could accommodate. I took my dad to the funeral home Tuesday and we spent most of the morning and afternoon getting everything together for the next day. I purchased a lapel/tie tack for my dad that has my mom's finger print on it.

The thought of my dad being alone on his wedding anniversary just two days after mom's funeral was heat-breaking. They usually do a temple session each year as part of their anniversary. I was honored to take my mom's place with my dad and go to the Provo City Center Temple with him. (This temple was dedicated two days after my mom's birthday in 2016.)

After the temple, I got my dad some lunch and we returned back to my house. Dad entertained the kids, especially Kaylee and Millie. He read them stories and played board games. I was so glad to have him with us. To top the evening off, I grabbed us all some Chinese take-out (Moms favorite food) and we watched the movie, Wonder (one of those movies that makes you laugh and cry and leave feeling more determined to be a better person). My dad loved it! I knew he would and I knew it was the exact kind of movie my mom would have chosen. It really was a perfect day.

Today is mom's birthday. To honor her, I have the fire opal around my neck that she bought me from her Caribbean cruise in January of this year. (That cruise was a gift from her foster family and I'm so glad she got to take it with dad.) In Relief Society, we're discussing two talks from this last conference. I have no doubt she would have chosen these herself. It has truly been a week Divine intervention and miracles! Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you! https://www.lds.org/general-conferen…/…/10/by-divine-design… and https://www.lds.org/…/20…/10/has-the-day-of-miracles-ceased

Tonight, I'm driving with Joseph up to my parent's house so my dad is not alone on mom's birthday. A few of his neighbors have planned a surprise party and will show up with cake and ice cream a little after I arrive. I want to stop by mom's grave today and place some flowers. Maybe we can go up a little earlier in order to do that.

It's so crazy how fast life can change in the blink of an eye. I've been listening to a CD these last few days by Brent L. Top called "What's On The Other Side". My cousin, Elizabeth, gave it to me the day after the funeral.

“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves." - Joseph F. Smith

-Alicia


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We were able to stop by my mom's burial spot just before visiting my dad on her birthday. The headstone had not been placed yet. We brought some artificial flowers to lay down on top of the ones from the services last week.

(I think it's more than coincidence that in my ward's Sacrament Mtg. and in Dad's ward too, the closing hymn was "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" (the same hymn we sang around my mom's hospital bed as she passed away and the same hymn we had at the close of her funeral). To me, it was mom's way of showing me how very alive her spirit still is.... Because my Savior lives, she lives also.

Happy Birthday, Mom 3-18-2018

When God Takes You Home

My younger brother shared this with me today. Of course, it made me cry. 

During those five agonizing days with mom in the ICU, with her completely unresponsive, and connected to all those tubes and machines -- I wished for something, anything I could do to help her. I went to the store and bought her some flowers to brighten up her room (but the ICU had strict rules against  flowers so I had to leave them in the waiting area). The second day at my dad's house, I did the laundry and cleaned the kitchen. I noticed my mom had left her tea cup out. I smiled at the memory it brought to mind - she and I used to always drink mint herbal tea together.  I gently put her cup back up on the shelf. It was hard to see the little items and things she left out of place not knowing she wouldn't return. 

I've listened to this song several times today and have cried each time. The artist lost his mom and he sings about Supermarket flowers and tea, about folding his mother's clothes, and putting her chairs away.  It's still so hard for me to believe that my mom is gone (at least from this mortal earth. I know her spirit lives on.) 

Her death happened so suddenly, completely without warning. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. The past few mornings I've woken up feeling like there's a massive gaping hole in my heart. It hurts so much! But I know she's in a good place, a beautiful, glorious place.. I know she's with God. 

"So I'll sing Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mom

When I fell down you'd be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go

And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah

You're home"

-Alicia

All Part of His Plan

These last few days have been such a whirlwind!  I have had less than five or six hours of sleep since Wednesday night. 

The nurse last night said that my mom is on a small enough dosage of sedatives, that if she was going to show signs of waking up, she would have shown them by now. She's even lost her gag reflex ability, which is one of the most basic bodily functions. Even though we haven't had the MRI yet, the nurse says she has seen this many times before. She said she didn't want to dash our hopes, she just wanted to prepare us that it's very possible my mom will never wake up. All the other vitals in her body are good and stable at least right now. But she seems to be in a forever sleep. We have not been able to communicate with her, receive any kind of response (physical or verbal) since she went into cardiac arrest Thursday afternoon. I really believe our Spirits can communicate though. I always like to say that when we speak by the spirit and listen by the spirit we are using our "first language".

It's the strangest thing, none of us saw this accident coming. In fact, I was planning a big birthday party for her... it was going to be a combined birthday party with my mom and my niece (because her birthday is also in March like mom's). I was going to make a rainbow cake and little chocolate gold coins and decorate the house with other St. Patrick-themed items.  

My mom loves everything about the month of March and Saint Patrick's Day because her wedding anniversary is on the 16th and her birthday is on the 18th. I invited my sister and my brother who live  in Salt Lake to come. My mom also invited my brother to come to the party (it was the last voicemail she left on his phone). Both my sister and my older brother gave reasons of why they couldn't make it to the big party. Every time I invite them to dinner, they have some reason of why they can't come - I was sad by that, so was mom. 

Thursday, the 8th, around 4:45 pm, I had just dropped my three oldest kids off at the temple to do baptisms with one of their friends we invited.  I was in the underground parking of the city center Temple dropping them off at the doors so I could park the van. Right when I was getting ready to get out of my vehicle and into the temple to meet the kids, the phone rang from an unknown number. I answered but the call was choppy. I figured it was probably a telemarketer. The number called again, this time I could hear clearly. It was my dad, his voice was trembling and he sounded lost as he told me what happened. I was in shock, there was no warning, it hit me like a freight train out of nowhere. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I walked into the temple to tell the children, tears streaming down my face. My thoughts were racing and my heart was aching.  Standing at the recommend desk to greet me was Brother Allan Williams from my ward. I didn't know he worked there at that time. He asked what was wrong and I explained the situation. It was very comforting to have this dear brother from my ward greet me at that moment, almost as if the Lord was giving me a little nod saying, "Let your ward family be a strength to you, they are anxious to stand by your side through the unknown and frightening days ahead." 

The kids were all willing to walk back from the Temple. I rushed home to pick up Joseph and drive to the hospital. We got there about an hour after my dad's phone call. The drive up felt like an eternity!! On the way, I made phone calls to my other siblings, to my niece, aunts, uncles, and other family members. I had to leave a few messages because some people didn't answer. My brother from Texas called me back. As soon as I picked up the phone, all he could choke out was, "WHAT!"  He sobbed and sobbed repeating the same word over. It all seemed completely unbelievable. Not mom. Not now. How?!!

My mom had been sick with a cold for over a month. She had seen a doctor the day before where he did a chest x-ray and didn't notice anything. So my parents just assumed it was something she had to wait out. Thursday afternoon, she began having problems with wheezing and told my dad that she was really uncomfortable. He asked her what her pain level would be on a one-to-ten-scale. She said it was at a seven and wanted to lie down - so my dad helped her into bed and sat next to her. She asked if he would read the scriptures to her. He opened the pages and read where they had left off from the day before,  Then, my mom told him that her pain was getting worse and she was at a nine.

He immediately escorted her into the car with the intent to drive her to the emergency room. He sat her down in her seat and then walked around the car to the driver's side. As he got in, he looked over at her and watched her whole body go limp and her head fall back. He called the paramedics. They arrived within three minutes and had her on the stretcher by four minutes alternating between CPR and the defibrillator. Her heart stopped a few times on the way to Jordan Valley Hospital and again in the ER. They worked on her for almost two hours before they could get her safe enough out of risk from another cardiac arrest and move her up to the ICU.

For the first 24 hours, the nurses put my mom in an induced state of hypothermia to slow the blood in her body and prevent more brain damage. She was stripped naked and covered in an ice blanket that looked like blue bubble wrap. If that wasn't painful enough for me to see, those initial 24 hours for every twenty seconds her whole body would tense up, her jaw would bear down, and her eyes would burst wide open, staring intensely at nothing. This regular jolting was completely involuntary and I won't lie, it was horrible to watch!! The Cardiologist said the involuntary jolting was a very bad sign.  The traumatic  image of her repeatedly opening her eyes in a blank and terrified stare burned in my mind and kept me up all night long. Tubes were hooked up to every part of her body, to sedate her, to medicate her, stabilize her,  to help her breath, and cause her heart to beat. She didn't look like herself at all. 

The first night at the hospital, my sister stayed at my mom's bedside and I went with Alexa to be with my dad at his house so he  wouldn't be alone. The second night, I took a turn sleeping in the hospital. Last night, I slept at my dad's house again so I could fill his fridge with food, do some laundry for him and wash the dishes. My brother, Kenneth, was able to fly in with his whole family and arrived at 1am in the morning today. We helped him put his kids to bed and then drove him over to the hospital to see mom. I was relieved that finally she had got to have every one of her kids come to visit. 

Speaking of kids, I am so grateful for Joseph's unfailing and compassionate support through all of this. On that first night here, Joseph gave a beautiful prayer as we stood in the ICU waiting room, holding hands in a big family circle. Then he drove home to take care of our kids, allowing me to give my dad all the help I could.  For four straight days, Joseph has been holding down the fort with everything back at our house and has been absolutely incredible! 

That first night at my dad's house, the three of us  (me, Alexa, and dad)  knelt in a circle as I offered a prayer. We were all in tears afterward and I asked my dad if he could remember where in the scriptures he was reading exactly to mom before the accident. He couldn't remember anything off the top of his head. He looked around the room and  handed me his Book of Mormon with the bookmark still in place, "It was here," he said pointing to Mosiah Chapter 16. I read the verses out loud and a surge of the Spirit poured into my soul. How could it be a coincidence? 

Another meaningful scripture, that first night, came from Micah who emailed me at midnight. "Mom, when I was in the temple, I read these two verses, 'God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me. And I know that he will raise me up at the last day, to dwell with him in glory; yea, and I will praise him forever'  (Alma 36:27-28)  Anyway, that part really stood out to me." I told Micah that was the Lord's way of communicating with him concerning this particular circumstance. I was proud of him for being so in tune. 

I knew then and I know now that this is all in the Lord's hands, all part of his plan, and everything will work out as it should. We will have peace, angels, and the Grace of God to attend us through every step of the way. I pray this trial will bring us closer together with my siblings, with my family, and bring all of us closer to our Savior. I believe it will. I know that's my mom's wish too. 

February 2018

You see these two girls here on either side of Miriam?... These two girls live at our house. My foster daughter even thinks they are her sisters. On Feb. 2nd we have the tradition of watching Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. These two girls in the photo above were at our house as usual that night. We were looking for some fun cooking ideas together and found this cute little groundhog no-bake cookie recipe. They are designed in such a way that you can actually make the groundhog pop up and down out of the hole. The girls dusted some powdered sugar to give it a nice winter effect. They were too adorable to eat. We had so much fun playing with our food. :)

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My sister, Amy, works as a recreational therapist in a nursing home. On Valentines Day, me and my three youngest kids surprised her with roses, strawberry covered chocolates, and heart decorations on her desk. Kaylee played the piano and Micah played his fiddle for the residents. My sister loved it.

Amy put together a great Valentine show for her residents too. She provided them with refreshments, entertainment and even hired an Elvis impersonator! How cool is that?!! 

One of the residents loves to dance, so Amy danced with her to Unchained Melody.  I love seeing my sister with the elderly and disabled. This is where people really see what I'm talking about when I say - She is wonderful!!  Amy has always been an example of compassion and Christ-like love to me. 

(I just wish she could see her own worth and infinite value. She doesn't see that....which is why she's stuck in an abusive alcoholic relationship. Oh, my heart aches for her.)

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Joseph and I went shooting for a romantic date night. I didn't do too bad for my FIRST time EVER. It's kinda freaky to fire a gun - I mean it was for me at least.
I got a little more used to it by the end of the evening. Joseph did awesome!!!

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My nephew, Bryson, got married. He's the first out of the 30+ something grandchildren (I loose count) to get married. Our little bonus child was excited to see another temple up close. She loves the temple song and wants me to sing it to her at night.  I have a necklace that has the Provo City Center Temple on it - I bought itfrom my friend's shop. She LOVES it when I where that necklace. She must already feel the beautiful spirit of that place.

While at the reception, my incredibly smart and talented brother-in-law, Allan, unveiled his new business, SNAP-estry. We were some of his first test subjects. He hasn't launched it to the public yet. It's an instant wedding registry where you text a number to get started, snap your photo, and write congratulations, memories, or marriage tips to the bride and groom, and they play instantly on a screen to music during the reception. It's really, really cool!  I mean really cool! 

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Micah lost his pet hamster. She died in her sleep. I felt so bad for Micah because he adored his little pet and took such great care of her. He got her last year for his birthday. She may have just been older when we bought her, we really don't know when she was born. Rodents don't last very long anyway. Cute ADORABLE Micah did a funeral service for her though and handled everything amazingly well. 

Rest in Peace, Muffin 

2017 - 2018

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Speaking of adorableness.... Micah designed a story board map for our little girl so he could tell her princess stories. He drew the map with shapes using Power Point - I absolutely love the names he chose for the different places. 

Priceless!! I couldn't stop smiling. 

Then to make his story even more fun for our girl, he made finger puppets of a princess and a fairy. He laid in bed next to her for her nap time and entertained her with his creations. He is going to make the most wonderful daddy someday. What a sweetheart!!