This is the first time in my life that I've really struggled with Mother's Day. I think it's because this is my first one as a foster mom.... and not just any foster mom - one who feels like giving up. After the experiences we've had with foster care, my eyes have been opened to exactly how difficult it can be to express love to a high trauma level child. Our foster daughter has a very thin threshold before she flies into full-scale panic. The trick is to try and catch her, to calm her, in that small little window before she ramps up. Unfortunately, that window usually only lasts a couple seconds before she's screaming at the top of her lungs and flailing her arms uncontrollably.
It's daily, over small things. For example: Yesterday, she told me she wanted an apple. I sliced her an apple and handed it to her. As soon as I did that she changed her mind and said she didn't want it anymore. I told her to take at least one bite. "NO! I'm throwing it away!" she demanded.
"Honey, you don't need to throw it away. just set it on the counter." She set it on the counter.
I called out to the other kids, "Does anyone else want these apple slices?"
"I do, I do, I do!" Three of my kids came rushing in the kitchen for them.
As soon as my foster daughter saw this she screamed, "No! MY apple!" She tried to grab them back.
I interceded, "You wanted to throw it away, remember. I'm letting them have it now."
And the meltdown began.
She proceeded to kick and scream uncontrollably for 30 minutes straight.
In the van a couple days ago, she wanted chips. "I want more chips!" she insisted. (I had two different kinds.) She had been eating the spicy ones.
"Okay, how do you ask nicely?"
"Please, can I have more chips?"
"Wonderful, Thank you for asking nicely." I said. "Here you go." I placed a handful of spicy chips in her cup holder.
"No!!!" She started screaming and shaking her finger rapidly at the front of the van, "Give me the other ones!!"
I looked at the bag by my driver's seat. "Those are sweet potato. You don't like those ones."
She insisted, "Yes! I want those! Give me those!"
"I can, but how do you ask nicely?" I prompted her again.
Her body was still tense as she wiggled impatiently and stammered out, "Please, can I have those ones?"
"Yes. Here you go." I placed a handful in her other cup holder and then made my way back to the driver's seat.
As soon as I turned the ignition, buckled myself in, and began to pull away, I heard, "I don't like these chips!" She began throwing the sweet potato ones on the floor.
"Hey, don't throw those." I objected. "You just threw a huge tantrum saying you wanted them."
She changed her mind again, "No, these are yucky! I WANT the spicy ones!"
She changed her mind again, "No, these are yucky! I WANT the spicy ones!"
I sighed, "You have spicy ones in your other cup holder."
"I want MORE spicy ones!" she shouted.
I was not about to pull over and get out of the driver's seat again so I said, "Well, you'll have to wait until we get home to have more. I'm sorry."
Hearing that, she began to go completely ballistic. She screamed bloody murder and kicked the seat in front of her violently the entire way home.
I've had hard moments with my own children but I've never had a child as difficult as this little girl. She throws violent tantrums all the time for things she wants, and when she gets it, she throws an equally violent tantrum stating she no longer wants it. This back-and-forth is a constant pattern with her. It's lose-lose all the time. What I've mentioned above are just a couple of examples of moments where she has gone into full-scale uncontrollable, almost epileptic, tantrums. And they happen several times a day, every single day.
It has become too much to bear! We finally told the social worker that we need to have her moved from our home. My own kids are terribly fatigued from her behaviors too. The supervisor over DCFS had a phone conference with me and my husband a couple days ago. He told us that most foster children aren't this way and that we happened to be placed with an extreme case.
I don't know if that was meant to comfort us.
Soon, she will be removed from our home, maybe in about a month. We said we wanted to continue to foster her brother. He's doing really well and he certainly doesn't want to leave. DCFS doesn't like to split siblings though. We hope he can stay. This breaks my heart.
Making this decision to move her on has been so painful. I can't help but feel like somehow I've failed.
-Alicia
2 comments:
Happy Mother’s Day Alicia, I love you. Don't despair; you are doing good, even if you don't feel like it.
In reading about your foster daughter, I really feel sorry for her; now before you roll your eyes. I am sure you can probably determine where her behavior manifests, from her parents, maybe specifically her mom? I always feel like when children manifest the worst of their parent’s behaviors and actions, whether toward them or each other, it is child abuse. One of her parents obviously is not only torturing her, but also the other parent. This is the only way she has learned to communicate. Maybe she feels that to get much needed attention, she has to hold you hostage, and she probably doesn't realize why she is acting in this manner in certain situations.
But you know that already. Yesterday in RS the lesson was about our Testimony. and I had an impression; I know that we tend to think of our testimony as either an affirmation of our beliefs, or a validation of a trial that we have endured, I was impressed to know that our testimony, is our "crowning glory". In the book of Revelation, twenty four elders cast their crowns down at the feet of the Savior, this is to give him the glory, for he is worthy. Our RS teacher is going through a tough trial right now with her children, and she spoke of "scars", and I was impressed that Jesus, paid it all, literally and he has the scars to prove it, and when he returns, he's is going to show them to us. And I had a feeling that when we see him, he will say, “Show me yours and I will show you mine, and I will teach you how to work this through.” (This is the healing; this is the wiping away of every tear) I know that we have to see it through, once we are on this particular journey.
For myself, I asked the Lord if I could just be "done", but nope, but he sent again messengers. I love those messengers. I have decided to go to grief counseling. I know that I am good, but I still need some help. I realize that in our trials, in order to "endure" them, we must humble ourselves, to the very floor, submit ourselves to the loving ministrations of the Savior, just like laying on the mat, just before being counted out. Cast your crown Alicia, you are going to make it.
PS I love that "I'm not a robot", I am Groot ha ha (Guardians of the galaxy)
Thank you for your wonderful love and concern, Ramona. She desperately needs attention and you're right, the only way she knows how to get it is by holding us hostage through mean and violent behavior, something she has certainly learned from her parents. :(
As, hard as things are with this little girl, I feel like I could endure a little bit longer but I know my husband and my son, Chandler, are at the end of their rope!
My husband tells me that he can't bring himself to even look at her anymore, let alone, even touch her with any kind of affection.
My son is worse though - he manifests his frustrations by insults and faking her out like he's going to punch her. He never makes contact but you can imagine how that dramatically increases her trauma level. No matter what I do to disciple Chandler, he goes right back to his threats with her. As a result, my foster daughter is acting out more frequently by becoming physically violent with my daughter, Kaylee.
This is so much more complicated and difficult than we could have ever imagined. My heart hurts so much! Oh, how it hurts!
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