It's just not usual for me to toss and turn but I was so worried about Joseph. These somewhat forced and unforeseen new expenses in our life (buying a car and buying a house) have hit him hard and understandably, he's been completely overwhelmed with anxiety with how he's going to provide for it all. Last night, he came into bed extremely late because he was up looking for a second job. He absolutely hates the thought of a second job.
It didn't take much for me to discern his discouragement when his head hit the pillow. In frustration he blurted,"What if we have all these expenses suddenly come up under this new and extremely tight budget and we find ourselves in a situation where we can't make our mortgage or we have to file bankruptcy??" I tried to reassure him that it would never happen and things would be alright. He rolled to his side and faced the wall and didn't say anything. He was exhausted and I knew that continuing to try and talk would only frustrate him more so I scratched his back until I fell asleep... well sort-of... I kept waking every 20 minutes.
At 5 a.m. my restlessness conquered sleep completely and I decided that it was entirely useless for me to try anymore. I climbed out of bed, got dressed, grabbed my backpack, my headphones, my scriptures... and I headed up to the Y.
There's something about the early morning air before the break of dawn that is extremely invigorating for me. I love the feeling of hiking alone too so I can reflect or commune with God silently along the way. The silhouette of Rock Canyon under the light of a half-moon greeted me like a watchful guardian as my feet hit the trail. I breathed in deep the mountain air and soaked in the beauty of my surroundings while Chandler's "Epic/ Triumphant" playlist ignited my imagination through the headphones; Such a combination of things always makes me feel so free. Instantly, I was feeling better!
When I reached the top, I found a bench and enjoyed the glittery scene of the waking city I love so much. I prayed and poured my heart out to the Lord. I knew I had plenty of time before the children would be getting up so I just relaxed and stayed there praying and reading. I opened to where we've been studying as a ward family in the Book of Mormon. I read about how the Jaredites were guided on their journey to their promised land. I read the promise from the Lord that if they did everything in the name of Christ and served God, they would not be cast out. I felt this applied to our situation. I know we won't end up in a bankruptcy situation. I think we are going to see blessings unfold in ways we didn't imagine. The more I prayed and read the more sure I felt of this promise.
As dawn approached, I thought of the awesome power of the sun and how its radiance causes all other light to pale in its wake. God's power is like this, nothing really can compare. I trust Him.
Just as the morning rays began to hit the horizon, this gorgeous song called, Sunshine by John Murphy, began to play. It was perfect! I felt so much reassurance, so much peace. I felt grateful.
Just as the morning rays began to hit the horizon, this gorgeous song called, Sunshine by John Murphy, began to play. It was perfect! I felt so much reassurance, so much peace. I felt grateful.
He took a deep breath and looked at me hoping I was right. I hugged him tightly. "Hang in there," I said, "We got this. God is in charge and He won't let us fail in this endeavor because our hearts are in the right place, because we are doing all of this in the name of Christ and for the right reasons. He's got our back."
I never did regain any of my lost sleep throughout the day. But the experience of this morning was worth losing sleep over. I know just as sure as the sun rises every morning, my Father in Heaven is always there. Nothing compares to His power.
-Alicia
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