She can't go like this!

I nearly lost my sister today. She's in the hospital for attempting to take her own life this afternoon. I spoke with my niece, Alexa, a couple hours ago. My heart breaks for her.  Turns out the guy my sister married last year has been arrested for domestic violence.

I'm making arrangements to visit my sister this week.  They have her stabilized with oxygen and I.V.'s  The doctors say she should make it and I think the plan is to get her into a treatment facility this week.

It's interesting that before I got today's news, I've been having lots of thoughts about my sister. I've been waking up with her on my mind several times a week.  Over the past two months, I've tried to contact her.  I was in Salt Lake a few weeks ago and wanted to visit her at her work but she was too busy so I just dropped off some food at her apartment. I had a strange feeling when I stood outside the door there.  I just knew things weren't right.

Alexa confirmed my fears tonight when she told me about an indecent that happened just over a month ago where apparently, my sister was punched in the face by her husband. He was completely drunk. Can you believe my sister paid this creep's bail the next day for a thousand dollars? She barely has enough money to buy food!! My heart hurts so bad to see my sister in another abusive relationship.

I worry my sister won't live a very long life, even if she fully recovers from this suicide attempt.  My niece has the same concerns. She told me tonight how badly she wants her mother to live for many years to come, to see and hold her grandchildren someday.

Please Dear Father, help my sister to realize her own worth, to find a safe haven, to heal, to have hope for a better tomorrow, and know she is greatly loved. Please Lord, don't let her go this way!!

The Lord is Able

"God has always asked His covenant children to do difficult things. Because you are covenant-keeping sons and daughters of God, living in the latter part of these latter days, the Lord will ask you to do difficult things. You can count on it—Abrahamic tests did not stop with Abraham. I know how unnerving it can be to be asked to do something that seems far beyond your capacity... 

But the Lord is able to do His own work, and I was privileged to watch the unfolding of one miracle after another—always, and only, after I had brought my best thinking, my most courageous efforts, and my most fervent prayers to the task... 

...anchored in pure doctrine, when you are asked to do impossible things, you will be able to step forward with faith and dogged persistence and cheerfully do all that lies in your power to fulfill the purposes of the Lord.

You will have days when you will be thoroughly discouraged. So, pray for courage not to give up!" - President Russell N. Nelson - Jan. 2017

"Something Out Of Me"

by, Nichole Nordeman

Just You and me on a hillside 

And 4,999 

If You could see on the inside 

What I brought, what I need, how I’m caught in between

You lifted bread to the blue sky 

They said they watched it just multiply 

But in the back of a long line 

Oh, I want to believe there’s enough left for me

Cause by now it really shoulda been long gone

And somehow it keeps going on and on 

On and on an on ‘cause

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

It’s not the story that moves me 

It’s not that I don’t believe You could 

It’s just my heart is so hungry

Is there enough to fill me up 

Or will You run out of love

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

Something out of me

By now Your love could have been long gone 

But somehow it keeps going on and on 

And...

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

Something out of me

Rise Each Time You Fall

 I wasn't able to sit in Sacrament Meeting for our own ward today because I had Stake business... which meant Joseph was on his own with the kids. I was a little distracted in my other meetings because I was so worried that it was going to be another one of those Sundays where our foster kids displayed their hatred for the Sabbath in every possible way, pushing and resisting, fighting and ignoring, squirming and sassing... you know--the whole nine yards. I just didn't want Joseph to have to deal with that by himself because it's so draining.

You can imagine how pleased I was to find out that everything went well. The foster kids did amazing this time! They got along, they sat still, they didn't complain, or fight, or throw tantrums, or make rude remarks. Even tonight went smoothly for bed.  My foster daughter didn't scream for an hour like she has been for the last couple weeks. She went straight up to bed without a fight. I rotated through each child, scratching all their backs for five or six minutes each. Everyone was contented and everyone went to sleep without a struggle. Wow!

Days like these are just enough incentive for us to keep going.

The Stake business I had to attend to today was another ward's conference.  Bishop Speckheart of that ward spoke first and read this poem. I was glad to be there to hear it because I felt like the words were so applicable for this journey my husband and I are on.  I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. This poem was exactly what I needed! Absolutely perfect!

The Race
by, D.H. Groberg

“Quit! Give Up! You’re beaten!”
They shout at me and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now.
This time you can’t succeed.”

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure’s face,
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene;
For just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being.

A children’s race–young boys, young men–
How I remember well.
Excitement, sure! But also fear;
It wasn’t hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race.
Or tie for first, or if not that,
At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son.
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire.
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boy’s desire.

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought:
“My dad will be so proud!”

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself
His hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope
–He couldn’t win it now–
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
To disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said,
“Get up and win the race.”

He quickly rose, no damage done,
–Behind a bit, that’s all–
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself
–To catch up and to win–
His mind went faster than his legs:
He slipped and fell again!

He wished then he had quit before
With only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now;
I shouldn’t try to race.”

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his father’s face;
That steady look which said again:
“Get up and win the race!”

So up he jumped to try again
–Ten yards behind the last–
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought,
“I’ve got to move real fast.”

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lied there silently
–A tear dropped from his eye–
“There’s no sense running anymore;
Three strikes: I’m out! Why try!”

The will to rise had disappeared;
All hope had fled away;
So far behind, so error prone;
A loser all the way.

“I’ve lost, so what’s the use,” he thought
“I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad
Who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low.
“Get up and take your place;
You were not meant for failure here.
Get up and win the race.”

With borrowed will "get up,” it said,
“You haven’t lost at all.
For winning is no more than this:
To rise each time you fall.”

So up he rose to run once more,
And with a new commit
He resolved that win or lose
At least he wouldn’t quit.

So far behind the others now,
–The most he’d ever been–
Still he gave it all he had
And ran as though to win.

Three times he’d fallen, stumbling;
Three times he rose again;
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place.
Head high, and proud, and happy;
No falling, no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer,
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he’d won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said,
“I didn’t do too well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said.
“You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and hard
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race,
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!”

Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

This Past Week

Sunday, my parents and my niece, Alexa, came down for a big Easter feast. I invited my brother and sister to come too but they always have an excuse for why they can't make it. My mom says the big issue is that they're uncomfortable being around so many children in my home. It's just too much and they can't handle the stress. Oh well,I'll keep trying to pull my family together. I know my other brother would come if he didn't live so far away.

After dinner we did our two favorite Easter traditions: golden eggs strung on a tree that you open one at a time to tell the story of Christ's Atonement and empty tomb sweet rolls. Then we played outdoor games as a family: foursquare, light-up Frisbee, and Velcro ball.

My kids were thrilled when Alexa told them she was spending the night at our place.  It's been more than half a year since she's stayed a few days. She's busy with work and college now. Her boyfriend, Conner, is preparing for a mission. I know two years will be a terribly difficult separation for them because they love each other deeply. They plan to get married when he returns. He certainly has my approval, what a wonderful son-in-law he'll make. :)




Miriam celebrated her 14th birthday a few days ago.  Alexa gave her some of her old shirts as a gift and Miriam was so proud to be grown up enough to fit in them. Miriam wanted to go skating with her friends for her birthday. She brought a Isabel from school, Elise from our ward, Emma from the 11th ward, Olivia from the 1st ward, and she invited Grace from the 3rd ward but--Grace had a broken foot.  (I love to see Miriam with her friends because they are all such good girls. She's pretty close with each of them and they're all excited to be at girls camp together this summer.)

I went on a lovely afternoon date with Joseph on Tuesday and it was Kaylee's turn for an afternoon date with him on Wednesday.
 The kids all love their dates with dad. We rotate every Wednesday right after music lessons. These little dates are so simple but they mean so much: a walk down the parkway, eating lunch at his desk, or watching a few of their Youtube videos together. It's only a half-hour of Joseph's time. All the kids need is to be with him and they're happy.

I finished my final essay for my class at BYU this week and I take my final test on Tuesday.  So far, I'm one of three students at 100% or above in my grades. I really love school and am so glad I enrolled this semester despite all the craziness in my life.

There's so many things I want to capture through writing but things have been insanely busy. I'll have to come back to this post and add some photos of these and other events through the week.  I don't have time to add them right now because I'm leaving soon to chaperone a field trip for my foster son and I need to get my other children's homeschool set in motion beforehand.

Seize the day!
-Alicia

A Little About Life and Love

Tuesday's with Morrie came out almost twenty years ago but I never saw it until last night. Checking out DVD's from the library usually means extremely thin pickings--it's hard to find anything worth while. I almost went home with nothing in my hands until I found this one and decided to give it a shot.

When my husband saw the cover of the DVD, he looked terribly disappointed, smirking at the picture of an old man in a wheelchair, "Really, this is what you want to watch?"

I responded, "Honey, that's Jack Lemmon! Don't you know him? Have you ever seen The Days of Wine and Roses or The Odd Couple?  He's an incredible actor!" 

 I knew none of that mattered to Joseph--he's always in the mood for big action-packed movies. This well... this was a far cry from action... and maybe a little too close to cry.  Even still, he ended up watching and really enjoyed it. Of course I loved it! I'm admittedly a sucker for deep movies, the kind of movies that enlighten my mind or expand my heart--anything with a nice moral to it. 

Tuesday's with Morrie had so many wonderful lines about life and love, purpose and dying, I had to take notes. Here's a few of my favorite quotes:

 "All I have is a voice - to undo the folded lie - the lie of authority - whose buildings grope the sky. No one exists alone. Hunger allows no choice to the citizen or police. We must love one another... or die." - W.H. Auden

"When we're infants, we need others to survive. When we're dying, we need others to survive. But here's the secret. In between, we need others even more." -Morrie

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Morrie

"My father was afraid of love. He couldn't give it and he couldn't receive it either. Maybe that's worse...  Not letting ourselves be loved because we're too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose."-Morrie

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."-Morrie

"If we accept the fact that we can die at anytime we lead our lives differently." -Morrie

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."-Morrie

-Alicia

Oh, how I needed this!

I went to lunch with my sisters-in-law this afternoon and they asked how things were going with foster care.  I told them that I really didn't know and that it was much harder than I had imagined. I get discouraged because I just haven't felt like I'm doing that great of a job.  These kids need someone who can see the hurt deep down inside of them and not take offense to every slight. They need someone who is willing to hold them and love them even when on the outside they are pushing everyone away. I just don't see myself as fulfilling those needs enough.

Tonight, my foster son asked if he could type in his journal on his laptop after I tucked him in bed.  I brought his computer in and said, "Sure, as long as you promise that you're not going to sneak games or YouTube videos in, you are very welcome to type in your journal." A little while later, he called me back to the bedroom. "I sent you something in a Google Doc."

"You did? What was it that you sent?"

"You'll see. Check your email."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, check your email. I want to watch you read it."

Now I was curious. I grabbed the phone and pulled open my email and read the following note:

I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the forehead. "Thank you so much! This was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. You don't realize how much this means to me. Thank you!" I kissed him again. He smiled bashfully and crawled back into bed. I wished him a good night and squeezed his hand tight. 

I think my foster son was inspired by the Spirit to write me this note tonight.  It came at a very good time. I really needed the encouragement.

-Alicia :)

Above the Nay-saying and Pessimism

Yesterday, I attended the funeral for a young man, Jeromiah, who passed away a few short months from turning twenty due to complications he suffered with muscular dystrophy.  He had been diagnosed at the age of three and as each year passed, the disease took over his ability to walk, his ability to move his arms, his ability to speak very well, and eventually his entire body--except for very slight movements in a couple fingers. Spending most of his life in a quadriplegic wheelchair, this courageous young man refused to let his spirit be confined.  He graduated from college, was a graphic designer, a blogger, and was preparing to serve a mission for the Church. 

This excerpt from his Salutatory Address inspires me so much.  He said, "Let us be proactive and independent in our minds and motivations, above the nay-saying and pessimism we are sure to encounter. But let us still depend on those who care about us. May we be dependable citizens and reliable community members, to support each other as we go forth into the world and change it for the better." - Jeromiah Drennan

And he certainly changed the world for the better. I'm sure Jeromiah had his days where he struggled to live his own counsel but his accomplishments are proof that he truly practiced what he preached.

It's no surpise to me that he loved the book, Man's Search for Meaning. He completely understood that "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Victor Frankl

Reflecting on all that was shared at the funeral yesterday, I'm compelled to ask myself, "What level of gratitude is in my heart and how can I avoid nay-saying and pessimism? Where do I limit myself? What practices, habits, or self-talk will free my spirit from being confined by the forces of opposition in my life?" 

One other quote given at the services yesterday was this description of the highest education by President Hinckley. I believe this education is more readily achieved when we grasp our true spiritual identity and the true spiritual identity of everyone around us--the untouchable portion of our soul that is of infinite worth to our loving Father in Heaven.

"Each day we are made increasingly aware of the fact that life is more than science and mathematics, more than history and literature. There is need for another education, without which the substance of secular learning may lead only to destruction. I refer to the education of the heart, of the conscience, of the character, of the spirit—these indefinable aspects of our personalities which determine so certainly what we are and what we do in our relationships one with another." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

What beautiful tributes were made to celebrate the life of Jeromiah yesterday! Physically limited but not spiritually bound, this young man may have had a completely immovable body - but oh how his spirit SOARED!!

-Alicia

Driving Lessons

Chandler has been driving with his permit for eight months now. It's so fun to see him growing up! He's an interesting mixture of cautious and cocky when he's on the road.

Before I say much more, I have a small confession to make:
He has actually been driving with me much longer than with his permit... much longer.  I don't know how legal it is but I've been taking all my kids to vacant church parking lots since they were eight years old giving them turns sitting with me in the driver's seat.  It's just a little more difficult these days to be inconspicuous in our big huge "space shuttle."

Through the years, I've noticed how completely different each of my kids have handled driving and how core aspects of their personalities manifest themselves behind the wheel.

Just for the record, Chandler gave his predictions for each of his siblings when they get their licence:
"Miriam will always drive 20-miles-an-hour under the speed limit.
Micah will be the first one to get in a wreck.
Kaylee will be too afraid to even get behind the wheel."

I laugh because I believe he's right with Micah and I don't think the wreck will be small... and of course, Micah will think it was awesome! But Chandler's predictions about his "timid" sisters couldn't be more off.  Miriam has always handled it quite confidently and maturely. As for Kaylee, Chandler hasn't been with me when I've taken her out for a "drive"... she's much more "brave" than he thinks.

-Alicia

All About Learning

Joseph took work off today so we could enjoy a nice morning hike together. He's been so good about making sure we have time alone. Our dates are more frequent and consistent than ever and I love it! I think Joseph has felt more protective of me because of all we are experiencing with foster care. He's anxious to make sure I'm holding up okay.  It's very sweet of him.

It's been great to see how my kids protectively look out for me too. I have one class this semester at BYU. It has been pretty easy because it's a religion class and I use part of my scripture study time in the early morning to do my reading assignments which works out well because they're assigned from the scriptures. The exams are a little tough though. Last night, I had to study for one but couldn't really get to it until late in the evening. When I finally made it into my room to study, my foster daughter kept screaming for me. I could hear Miriam outside my bedroom door patiently working with her and helping her understand that I couldn't come out of my room. Miriam really is a miracle-worker when it comes to children.

Chandler also tried to help give me the space I needed to study. When he heard our foster daughter screaming for me again, he bounded up the stairs with a growl to "stop her"... which resulted in Miriam, Joseph, Micah, and Kaylee all dog-piling Chandler to "protect" our foster daughter. Ha ha! Despite that bit of drama, I really do appreciate Chandler's heart in it.  He really does look out for me.

It has been amazing to watch my children in this huge life-change for them and I've been so pleased to see them adjust as well as they have.  I think Micah and Kaylee have dealt with the most. They both have demonstrated incredible compassion, making room, giving time, teaching patiently, and sharing. I worry though... because I think some damage has been done to Kaylee emotionally so we've made an effort to get her therapy from a Dr. who specializes with foster families.

As hard as it has been, I must say that our foster kids have shown huge positive changes from when they first moved in with us. They are learning what it means to have boundaries, personal space, and healthy communication. They are learning responsibilities, learning to work, learning to play, learning to be creative, and use their imaginations. They are learning how a mom and a dad should treat each other. They are learning what it's like to have a book read to them, to have positive physical affection, and to feel safe at night.

We're all learning so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Show me a person who has innumerable followers, popularity, high accolades, degrees and doctorates, scholarly knowledge, who has read all the books and passed all the tests but who has never learned to care for their family, never learned to be civil in conversation, never learned to recognize and act upon the Spirit, never learned to reach beyond their obsession of self to sincerely love their neighbor, who has never learned to truly love and truly serve - and you've shown me a fool, indeed.

I truly believe that best kind of education is found in meaningful relationships, it is found in learning to love, to step outside our self in the most exhausting and difficult circumstances.

-Alicia

Action Items

“I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.” 

- Spencer W. Kimball

Reflecting on  General Conference today and yesterday, this is a quote that keeps coming to my mind.  It seemed that most of the talks were centered on or frequently mentioned the importance of daily personal scripture study.

My husband has always been a great example to me of one who diligently studies the scriptures.  Lately, he's been taking to heart Elder Nelson's counsel to study scriptures focused on Jesus Christ daily.  As a result, he's been listening to the four gospels at work every day for the past several weeks.

I feel like I really could use some improvement in my personal prayers and scripture study, Though I don't think my problem is being casual. Scripture study and prayer are just part of my regular daily routine.  But I feel as if I've been more blank, less feeling, with little to no absorption in my study lately,  I've had more days than usual where I've felt depressed too so maybe that's part of it.  I don't feel like I'm the same person I was six months ago.  I feel like my experiences being a foster mom have been like a bomb dropped on me and I'm still reeling from the shock.

There's so much I need to improve on.  Foster care is extremely humbling.  Speaking of foster care... Another thing that stood out to me in conference today was when S. Mark Palmer said, "those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need love the most." This is my earnest prayer: to love when I don't feel like loving, to give when I don't feel like giving, to sacrifice when I have nothing left in me to sacrifice.

I'm so grateful for a wonderful conference weekend. And I'm grateful for every new day to keep trying and keep practicing. God is good.

-Alicia

Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

That Same Sociality

Last night, I took Miriam and Kaylee to a world-wide broadcast of a meeting for all the women in the church ages eight and older.  I also brought my 3-yr-old foster daughter in order to allow the boys at home to be able to "comfortably watch" their action movie while we were away.

At the church, my girls instantly found their friends and bounced happily into the open seats next them. They are always so thrilled to be around Hannah, Mia, and Oli. I was also very glad to connect with their mom, Carol, who is my dear friend,

After the meeting was over,  Carol and her daughters climbed into our van with us to find a good place to grab some milkshakes and visit with each other more.  I met Carol two-and-a-half years ago but it seems much longer than that.

My life is so completely different from when I first met her.  I guess you could say her life is completely different too.  It was great to share with one another some of the lessons we've been learning along the way.  Carol has such a beautiful testimony of God and His involvement in our lives.  She's incredibility compassionate, intelligent, and brave. I truly admire her! It made my whole day, my whole week, to spend that hour-and-a-half together -- just the two of us and our girls. I think I really needed that.

I'm grateful to know "that same sociality which exists among us here [on earth] will exist among us [in heaven]" - D&C 130:2

-Alicia

Red Hot Chili Peppers

It was one of those family home evening lessons desperately thrown together at the extreme last second. (Most of my FHE lessons are like that.) I actually had the idea ten minutes before 6pm last night while racing through Rancho Market's produce section, grabbing ingredients for my other "desperately thrown together" dinner--fajitas. I saw the cute little tiny orange habenero peppers and thought, "How perfect!" I bought one.  It was all I needed.

No, I didn't put the habenero into the fajitas. My plan was to use it for an object lesson about James3:6, "The tongue is a fire..."  (You can see where I'm going with this.)

We read the scripture and watched two videos that had to do with fire: One where the fire was terribly destructive and out of control and the other, a nice cozy hearth with warm glowing flames safely in a fireplace. We asked the kids to tell us why James would describe the tongue as a fire and they all gave some great answers.

Then came the best part... I pulled the habenero out of a bag and challenged the kids to eat pieces of it. (Now, I can handle pretty spicy stuff but even I didn't realize how hot this little guy was going to be.)  Kaylee thought it was one of those mini bell peppers that are often served with veggie trays and wanted to eat the entire thing. I still only gave her a small piece and she quickly ate it. A split-second later, all of the kids were in the kitchen screaming and downing gallons of water... (um... something that should never be done after eating a pepper that hot).

The screaming grew louder and more panicked as the kids couldn't figure out how to stop the burning. Kaylee was completely hysterical and could hardly stand on two feet as she withered and writhed dramatically on the floor in agony, cursing me for what I had done.  I seriously didn't think it would be so bad.

I began passing out coconut oil for the outsides of their faces and bowls of ice cream to sooth their tongues. They all got double servings of ice cream, which I felt was a plus.  The bonus dessert didn't matter in their eyes. No amount of refreshments would stop them from feeling betrayed.

To make matters worse, I couldn't stop laughing.  And when they had all finally settled down, I remarked, "At least one thing is for certain.  You'll never forget this FHE lesson!" They all smiled with agreement.

This little experience only reaffirms in my mind that some of the best things in life are unplanned, desperately thrown together, and completely last minute.

-Alicia
Hey oh!

Even If... through the fire

There's a new song out by MercyMe  I wanted to share this evening. My hope in doing so is that it might be encouraging to someone who is consumed by despair from the burning flames of life's fiery furnace.

These verses strike my heart the most, The song is a prayer to God, one I think every Christian has felt at some moment in their life.

"It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

This reminds me very much of the wonderful talk given By Dennis E. Simmons thirteen years ago, But If Not, especially the last two paragraphs.

We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

 We might not have the answers to some of our experiences right now. Time may reveal it or at least content our souls with not knowing. But one thing is certain - God loves us and will see us through every heartache as we seek Him.

-Alicia

More Than Lucky

Yesterday was awesome!  For the morning part of St. Patrick's Day, I made green pancakes served with green milk. For the afternoon, the kids and I made green rice crispy treats and rainbow cupcakes. And for dinner, we had green deviled eggs, green grapes, cucumber wheels, and laab.  (Okay, so laab isn't anything close to Irish.) Laab is actually a Thai dish but it has some delicious greens in it and it's one of my foster son's favorite meals.  I'd actually say it's a comfort food for him because it reminds him of his mother.  He was so delighted when he found out that I made laab. He gobbled up two big servings and then swung around the table to give me a big grateful hug. I was so glad to see him happy. Next week I'll make him some pho, one of his other favorites. I really need to learn more Thai and Vietnamese recipes, 

After dinner, Joseph and I had the perfect date night-- We hiked the Y, drank green smoothies, watched a movie, and did other fun stuff. ;) We plan to make our Y hike together at least a couple times a month, maybe more.  Joseph is really serious about planning for Timp this year.  I'm so proud of him because this is completely out of his comfort zone.  I really don't know what has gotten into him but I don't want it to stop.

I was so pleased with how yesterday went. Even the morning routine was quite smooth with none of the regular meltdowns from my foster daughter. The weather was amazing and the kids were all generally happy. It really was a good day... and I'll hang on to all the good days I can. 

I'd be ungrateful if I didn't take note.

-Alicia

Thou Shalt...

It's part of my routine now to take my foster children to visit their parents every Tuesday evening for two hours. Sometimes I stay and watch but sometimes it's too hard for me to stay. I learn so much about the children's behavior, the root of their desires, and the habits that seem to be ingrained in them. 

Sometimes, I leave these visits feeling very angry and frustrated, wanting to knock some sense into the parents and show them just how much damage they have done. I want to force them to break the vicious cycle they've been in all their lives, somehow just make them stop. I have to remind myself to be forgiving and pray for their parents rather than become resentful.  

A couple Tuesdays ago, my foster daughter left the visit with a gift from her mom: a little tiny coin purse on a chain that said, "Thou Shalt Sin".  Mom knew that I wouldn't like the text - so as we were leaving, I was grateful when she said that it was up to me if I decided to let her daughter keep it. Of course, my foster daughter didn't want to give up her new gift, no way! So I let her keep it under the condition that she would let me "fix it" first.  Her three-year-old mind didn't see the purse as broken but she willingly put it into my hands anyway.  

I examined the purse and contemplated how I was going to "fix it".  I saw it as an opportunity to teach a subtle lesson. I thought maybe I could insert a "not" between the "shalt sin" part but decided it seemed to be lacking core principle. Maybe I could just paint over the whole thing. I pondered on the commandments God gives us and why He gives them... and then I knew exactly what to do.

The next morning, I showed my foster daughter what I had done to the purse and she beamed with delight. She liked it so much better! (Since she can't read - I'm guessing it was mostly because of the pink letters.)

Even still, this experience is so telling. There are so many layers to it. I've reflected on the transition of thought that comes with three simple words:

"Thou Shalt Sin" - Making a mock of the commandments of God, viewing sin as real freedom, a message to flaunt, to celebrate rebelliousness.

changed to

"Thou Shalt Love" - An understanding of what God's laws really free us to DO and to feel. The foundation and core of Who God IS and what He wants us to ultimately BECOME.

I'm glad my foster daughter likes her purse better this way.

I do too.

-Alicia

"The Great Commandment: Love"

By, Joseph B. Wirthlin

All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia

It Only Takes A Spark

Okay, I've got to be better at posting the positive things that I get to witness as a foster parent.  This is one of them!

 I actually think this it's the first he has ever crafted or made something in his entire ten (almost eleven) years of life. I mean, outside of any kind of crafty activities he has done in public school, I think this is the actual first time my foster son has crafted his own toy.  

When he first moved here four-and-a-half months ago, he would get extremely jealous of Micah and all his creations. My foster son would make insulting remarks about his own ability and throw the tools down muttering, "I suck at this. This is stupid. I don't know how to do anything." Of course I'd try to persuade him that none of those negative comments were true but he'd stomp off and absolutely  refuse to listen. I guess after a decade of being babysat 24/7 by video games and television, anyone's self-esteem is bound to struggle. 

This is just a little wooden home he made from an old torn-apart bird house.  On the right is a little traveling box he painted for his two Playmobile guys.  I also showed my foster son how to use my wood-burning tool, which he loved.  It's great to see him discover the fun he can have away from a screen in his face.  He played with this for several hours with Micah. 

Of course, Micah created his own hut too and made a campfire out of paper and markers. It was the perfect place for their Playmobile guys to hang out.

My foster son was so proud of what he made that the next day he took his little wooden house with him to his parent visit to show his mom.  It's so great to see him get a spark of confidence. And that's all it really takes.

-Alicia

Shooting Star

My foster daughter has regular hour-long, sometimes two hour-long, melt-downs every morning. She doesn't like to go to the bathroom or get dressed: She knows how to do it perfectly well on her own but it's always a power-struggle. Sometimes, she'll have several of these a day.  She is used to a life with absolutely no rules and no boundaries whatsoever... so any correction, any asking her to wait, or any form of giving her instruction usually sends her flying into a full scale fit of rage. It's interesting, because in middle of her kicking, scratching and flailing, she screams at the top of her lungs, "I want you, Alicia!!  I want you!!"

This desperate display of such  contrasting desires goes on in most foster children: At the very same time they are acting out in horrible violent behavior, they are also pleading and begging for loving, affectionate physical reassurance... And let me tell you, it is the hardest thing to give in those moments.

For the past few weeks, our foster son has also had an increase of "tantrums"--displaying the same kinds of pushing away and pulling us in. He has started to lay around more, sitting and sulking about what is required in order to be able to play video games. He fights against every rule of our home--stomping, sassing, slamming, protesting... and seconds later he wants a big huge bear hug.

We were told about this common push/pull behavior from other foster parents, just didn't realize how extreme it would be and how hard to recover from.

I was pretty worn out after his tantrum last night and her morning melt-down today.

However, I feel the Lord blessed me with a compassion beyond my own ability.  After she finally got dressed, I scooped up my screaming foster daughter and held her until she relaxed in my arms. I leaned up against the bedroom wall and slid my tired body to the floor, continuing to just hold her. She wrapped her arms around me and tucked her head deep into my shoulder completely silent.  After about ten minutes, she pulled back to look at my face.  I sighed wearily, "Sweetheart, you need to learn to relax and not panic so quickly. You know how to do these things. Please don't throw such a fit about it." She flopped back onto my shoulder again.  It must be so hard for her to live in such a different environment.

Later, I found some little activities to take my foster daughter's mind off of her anxieties and also give me some space.  After I could see she was content and calm, I walked down the hall and found Kaylee playing this song on the blue tooth, "Shooting Star" by, Owl City. I took a deep breath and listened closely. I don't think I had ever heard it before.  I liked the lyrics and asked her to play it again.

We're going to get through this. "Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light."
I think this will be my song for the day.

-Alicia

First Things First and What Matters Most

My husband and I have been fasting and praying for greater compassion and endurance in this journey as foster parents.  This new life had been difficult but we have felt blessings poured out upon us in miraculous ways.  My husband and I have grown so close through all of this and have become quite the team. Joseph is the number one person I look out for and he looks out for me.  I think the most common questions we ask each other throughout the day are, "What do you need from me?" and "What can I do to help make your day better?" Most of the time, all we need is a good long hug.

Now, I believe it's very important for mothers to invest their time with their children and I try to make it a point to give each child a little one-on-one as I go around and say good night.  But one day (faster than we can imagine) all the children will be grown and gone... and the one person who will remain is my husband. My children will go their various directions, travel their separate ways, but Joseph and I will remain together.  We know that if we can thoroughly enjoy and create wonderful intimate moments in all our current chaos, then how much sweeter our companionship will be after the dust settles!

I just read a portion of this talk given by Elder Nelson at BYU in 2000 called, "Identity, Priority, and Blessings." I love how he describes his relationship with his wife:

"Some people on life’s journey forget who they really are and what is really important. Without sure identity and priority, blessings that matter most are at the mercy of things that matter least...

...Through thick and thin, Sister Nelson and I have merged our identity and fixed our focus on our highest priority, our eternal marriage. Through the prolonged period of education and later medical practice, she could have complained about my schedule, but she never did. Our children did not feel they were deprived of their father’s time, simply because Sister Nelson never murmured. Their attitudes were shaped by her attitude. Every moment we were together she seized as an opportunity to provide a little bit of heaven on earth for me and our children.

Now our children are adults with little ones of their own. We enjoy extended family home evenings once a month with all available members of our family. At that time we also celebrate family birthdays. Many names are written on each birthday cake. After those gala gatherings are over—when peace and quiet have again been restored—Sister Nelson and I lovingly embrace each other, grateful that we never allowed anything to take higher priority than our love—husband for wife, and wife for husband."

Isn't that beautiful? Especially the part where he says that they never allowed anything to take higher priority than their love. 

-Alicia

March Fourth

Today is the one day out of the year that gives us encouragement right there in its name.  So that's my message for today, March Forth! No matter what you might be going through, no matter how battered or weary you may feel, don't quit, don't lose faith, stay true to your loved ones, stay true to the Savior, and it will all work out.

To go along with the message of this day, I encourage you to listen to this talk by Elder Holland, However Long and Hard the Road.

"Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" - Joseph Smith

-Alicia

Facing Fear and Sorrow

Well I don't think Yoda had it exactly right--Fear doesn't necessarily lead to anger.  It's the denial of fear, the being too proud to admit fear, or just a completely unconscious fear that can lead to an unhealthy anger.

I've felt compelled to study the emotion of fear a little more lately mostly to observe the needs of each member of my family: my children,  my foster children, my husband, and myself.  Fear is a powerful emotion and can be extremely intimidating. But instead of running from it, we should seek to understand the cause of it in our lives.

I've noticed that Joseph has been studying fear too--searching talks and scriptures on the subject. We've had some great discussions together that I've really enjoyed.  Last Thursday, we had a 3-way phone conversation from one of the supervisors at DCFS.  He described some observations he has made with the foster children and how fear has been playing into their lives.

There's something interesting about fear... because when we don't face our fears or admit them, it usually leads to another, more frightening, emotion.  I found these lines the other day that describe what I'm trying to say:

"A well-defended heart is always looking for a fight"

-Jason Gray

These discussions and these studies have been very helpful in opening our understanding to two little guests we have in our home.  A couple of nights ago, we gained even more insight as we listened to an incredible story.

Joseph and I had our date night on Sunday this last week and had the privilege of attending a fireside where Sergeant Justin Garn spoke.  Sergeant Garn described some of his experiences in combat. He said that fear and sadness are primary emotions and that anger is secondary. Even in a split second, when someone flies off the handle, it is almost always because they've ignored their primary emotion. Anger is always a choice and that it is usually used as a tool to hide fear or grief.

He described some dark times in his life during combat where he almost let anger take over his soul because he didn't want to face his fears or sorrows. It was a rude awakening to recognize the anger that almost swallowed him whole. He realized that it came from suppressing his fear and by not allowing himself to mourn.

"We all grieve in different ways," he said--we all mourn over different losses and changes in our lives--but we all grieve and we all mourn.  And we need to allow ourselves to feel and express fear and sorrow, these primary emotions, to be real with ourselves and others.  If we don't, then we often turn to anger--the biggest destroyer of peace.

He began to study his scriptures and pray everyday.  He changed the music he listened to and prepared himself each morning by listening to hymns, songs that reminded him of the worth of every human soul. He felt a miraculous change come over his heart as he began to feel love even for those who would usually be called his enemy.

As Joseph and I listened to this incredible soldier speak, we heard a modern-day Moroni, one who did not desire to be a man of blood, one who delighted in the freedom of all people, one who truly loved God, his country, and his family. He had a magnificent spirit of humility and love about him.

During the fireside, our experiences as foster parents played in my mind. I thought of the extreme fits of rage our little foster daughter has on a regular basis. I thought of the difficult outbursts of anger our foster son displays too... And I saw them both a little differently.  I could see more clearly what the social worker was describing last Thursday.  These are two very frightened and sad children. It's helpful for us to understand this because it works more compassion and empathy into our hearts. They have not learned to come face to face with their primary emotions, instead they suppress them and have learned to go straight to anger. They don't know how to face their fears.  They don't know how to grieve.

I'm so grateful for this fireside, for the phone-visit we had with the social worker, for the talks Joseph and I have been reading, for the scriptures that have inspired us... these are all in direct line with each other, witnessing to us that God hears our prayers and is teaching us what we need to know along the way.

I read this quote this morning during my personal study and quickly copied it down because I KNOW it's true!! This is my testimony:

"I tell you this: God cares about you. He will listen, and He will answer your personal questions. The answers to your prayers will come in His own way and in His own time, and therefore, you need to learn to listen to His voice. God wants you to find your way back to Him, and the Savior is the way.God wants you to learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, and experience the profound peace and joy that come from following the path of divine discipleship." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

-Alicia

This Mission

I'm at a loss of words with what to post these days.  I feel like we've all been through the war with foster care.  You know a soldier can prepare and train for battle, they can go through all the drills, but there is nothing like actually being on the front lines. It's a real eye-opener to say the least. Foster care and adoption are extremely romanticized: There is so much more underneath and behind every story.

I met a woman named Hannah in church whose mother-in-law was a foster mom for many years.  Last Sunday, Hannah asked me how things were going.  I told her, "we're just taking it one day at a time.  That's really all we can do." She listened sincerely.  Hannah was so thoughtful and quickly sought for some advice from her mother-in-law.  Later that afternoon, I received a very long email as a response.  I really needed the support.

I know that things could be so much more difficult than they are.  I just read a post by another foster mom seeking advice. She explained that her foster son has these outbursts where he starts throwing the heaviest thing in the room and punches her other kids in her family until they bleed. "until they bleed?" Sheesh! Reading that made me very grateful we haven't had any situations that extreme.

Every time we come close to throwing in the towel, both Joseph and I get some kind of impression or some sort of heavenly nod that encourages us to keep going.  Last weekend, I went to Time Out for Women.  Nathan Pacheco sang the main theme from The Mission (a song that has played a huge role in my life's mission). Later,  Micheal Wilcox and Hillary Weeks both gave analogies to trials as climbing a mountain (another parallel in my own life). The part that I least expected was when  Emily Freeman spoke briefly about her experience as a foster mom while raising her four biological children. So much of the event felt like a direct message to me... to us, in all we are facing.

This mission wasn't given to us because we were worthy for it.  Heaven knows there are a billion other parents who would do a far better job than we are doing!  This mission was given to us because we asked for it, we were willing to do it.  If we hadn't relied on God before, we're certainly relying on Him now because we definitely can't do this on our own.

 "Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ." - 2 Timothy 2:3

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." - D&C 84:88

-Alicia

Stronger

Joseph and I have grown so much closer together in the past three-and-a-half months. One of the reasons for this may be because foster care is such a terribly lonely road, there are so few people who understand how it affects the family. It's just one of those things that has to be experienced to grasp the full scale of it all.  Joseph and I have had to rely very heavily on each other for support, we've taken more time to be together, to go on dates, and to confide our hearts. 

When you foster, you invite an immense amount of trauma into your life and the lives of your children--The medical professionals call this secondary trauma. Because foster care is so taxing, so difficult, and so dramatically life-altering, it's important that we have a good team to work with: helpful resource counselors, informed social workers, and accessible support groups. 

Last night, Joseph and I met with the DCFS team for two hours. The meeting was very productive as we addressed every aspect and angle of the difficulties we're facing.  It felt so comforting to have them listen to us, to supply ways and ideas that will make our job a little easier and provide a better environment for the entire household.  We know our DCFS team genuinely cares about us and wants to make this work. 

In less than a month, the parent visits will increase to four hours a week (2 hrs on two different days), court hearings bi-weekly, and therapy two hours a week. Our schedules will definitely be more tight than they've ever been. I have to admit, this makes me a little more nervous to continue my schooling at BYU but I still believe that it's not impossible.

My husband and I are certainly learning to do hard things. We stumble and fall all along the way but we're learning.

I've been so proud to see Joseph increase in his resilience and optimism. He has been a good example to me of humility and faith.  This morning, he announced that he's going to hike Mt. Timponogos this August and he wants to start training with me mid-March. Anyone who knows Joseph would realize that this is absolutely huge for him! He usually hates any kind of exercise but he said he wants this to be a symbol of overcoming difficulty and persevering in the face of great opposition. It's amazing what has come over him!

We're going to make this. With God's grace, we will be strong enough.  We're going to make all of this together and come out on top. I am completely confident!

-Alicia :)

My Song for the Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you have great plans to show the most important people in your life that you love them! It doesn't need to be extravagant or outlandish --It really is the small and simple things that make the difference.

Everyone, both men and women, want to know that they are cared for, that they are thought of, that they're important. True and pure love is the most powerful force in the universe. Pure love inspires people to accomplish their dreams, to be more faithful in their relationships, and to become the very best they could become. Pure love stems from selflessness and gratitude.  There is no thought of return, no concern for "what's in it for me?"-- it just simply gives of their time and self freely, verbally, physically, affectionately, thoughtfully.

My challenge today is to first, show this great love to those within the walls of your own home and then second, find someone who lives alone and do something for them today. Make it a ripple effect!

“There are many souls whom I have loved stronger than death. To them I have proved faithful—to them I am determined to prove faithful, until God calls me to resign up my breath.”

- Joseph Smith

Happy Valentine's!
Everybody wants to be loved!
- Alicia

Sunday Drive

We all had a great evening tonight.  Chandler suggested we load up the family for a Sunday drive.  We didn't have a destination in mind at first but then decided to take a nice scenic ride up West Mountain to BYU's observatory where Joseph used to work when he was studying Astronomy.

We probably made it about 80-90% to the top of the mountain until we ended up getting stuck in the snow and mud.  In order to get ourselves un-stuck, we drove backwards down the slushy dirt road for about a half a mile.  We never made it to the observatory but were still able to enjoy a spectacular view!!  There's something I love about seeing this beautiful valley from a different angle, a fresh perspective.

I think we have the same "fresh perspective" opportunities in our own families, with our spouse and with our children. How often do we take the time to try and see them in a different light, to search for the beauty we've been missing?

I had a few principles stand out to me during some of the church meetings I attended today:
#1 -gratitude-- Be an optimist. Look for the good at home, focus on the qualities you love and admire in your children and your spouse. Exercise drawing your attention to all the great qualities you see in them.
#2 -Make time to connect with each member of your family.  Be there for them. Get to know them, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams.  Check in with them regularly. Don't be in the habit of checking out.

Our little family drive this evening was fun.  I'm so glad we did it.  And of course, Chandler found the perfect instrumental music to make the ride a little more magical.
I love that guy!

-Alicia

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. 

It turns what we have into enough, and more. 

It turns denial into acceptance, 
chaos to order, confusion to clarity. 

It can turn a meal into a feast, 
a house into a home, 
a stranger into a friend. 

-Melody Beattie

The Screwtape Letters

Eighteen eye-opening letters that reveal the adversary's tactics we are often blind to--The Screwtape Letters. It's been a while since I've read this book and I'm so excited to revisit it again!! 

 

I found the audio book on Youtube and made a playlist of it.  The audio is great because I can listen to it as I tackle chores and jobs around the house.  

Here's the link to the entire book.  Enjoy! 

The Screwtape Letters

by, C.S. Lewis

Ladies Lunch and Life-Hacks

Life is so incredibly busy right now that I hardly have an extra minute to write these days. Being a foster mom takes up more time than most people realize. When I do get a free moment, it's usually spent doing homework for my class this semester.  I know the things that consume my hours are good... Even though I don't sleep anymore. ;)

Despite my crammed schedule, I was able to break away just for a couple hours this afternoon and enjoy a nice visit with my sisters-in-law (well, at least 5 of the 7). We gathered at Merrit's house, made a fancy lunch, and shared life-hacks with each other.  A few of the life-hacks were practical and revolved around awesome cleaning or cooking tips.  The other life-hacks were spiritual, like Lee's and Megan's.  

Lee shared that she has noticed a big difference in her life and in her relationships as she's taken the time to kneel and pray more throughout the day.  Megan shared a few verses from the scriptures and her personal testimony of them.  

The life-hack I gave was about perspective: As mothers, sometimes we see a mess and instantly assume that it is a result of our children being lazy or goofing off. But I shared the idea that sometimes the so-called "disasters" around our homes are evidence that our children are actually listening, that they're working hard, that they're doing great and wonderful things... and I gave some examples.

From the practical temporal life-hacks to the spiritual and inspiring ones: we laughed, we cried, and felt so much appreciation and love for one another.  It was a very refreshing afternoon.  I'm so grateful I married into this beautiful family.  I'm glad I have these seven sisters who get together and include me as one of them. I love that we're close and have regular, meaningful, and memorable visits.  I look forward to spending next weekend with these same wonderful ladies. 

-Alicia